Lest We Forget
Posted by Dickie Assburn in Enemies, Free Agency, General Thoughts, Playoffs and World Series on January 27th, 2010
Off-season baseball writing sucks dick. No one gives enough of a fuck to read any of it, the writers resort to talking about hypothetical signings and trades, and everyone essentially shits themselves trying to keep their job in a mostly dead market.
Well, I don’t get paid, I don’t give a fuck about ‘good journalism’, and I think hypothetical trades are stupid.
I realized today that I forgot about Ben Francisco. I also forgot about Greg Dobbs. Whenever I think about the Phillies throughout the day, I usually just think of our pitching. What I think about is pretty typical, like “why did the Phillies sign Jose Contreras?” The Phillies pitching staff is starting to look like a retirement home.
From left to right: Contreras, Moyer... and uh... I guess I exagerrated a bit
Ben Francisco went 0-for-11 during the postseason. Who does that? Honestly? I must admit that I was very surprised the Phils got as far as they did. NO ONE could hit off the bench. Francisco flat-lined, and I frequently forgot that Dobbs still played for us. Stairs was a drunken waste of a bench spot. Hopefully Gload can help us out in that department, because we really need it. When it stopped being fun to say “Ben Frann-cisss-cooo,” I decided it was time to suggest that we throw batteries at him a la J.D. Drew.
My Super Sweet 2010 Season
BTW… how is Durbin making over 2 million dollars this year? I know I wrote about this already, but come ON. He sucked!
Chase announced that he’s going to be more willing to take breaks during the season than he has been in the past. If he can do this effectively (and by that, I mean doing it to the team’s and his advantage) then I will be happy with that. Chase has a distinct history of trying to play through/hide injuries and he’s clearly a huge part of our team.
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The Yankees signed Randy Winn today, who will likely spell the end of Johnny Damon’s time with the team. I think moves like these make baseball interesting from year to year. The lost Cabrera and Damon but gained Granderson and Winn. As far as offensive production, it’s a wait-and-see game this season for the Yanks. Granderson hasn’t played on teams that are as offensively gifted as the Yankees in the past, but he’s seen production similar to Damon’s over the course of his career. The difference is that he doesn’t bat in as many runs and he hasn’t been doing that for as long. The batting average is pretty inconsistent (last year it sucked), but he does have some power in his bat. I say he could top out around 82 RBIs, but I’d probably bet on less.
Offensively, I doubt they skip a beat by losing Damon. Sure – he had a good playoffs, but I don’t think he ever made/broke a team he was on. He’s always been a ‘pretty good’ player. However, I still hate that monkey-looking motherfucker about as much as I hate Pedro Feliz. I hope he signs with some shitty ass team in the AL so I don’t have to see him too much. If he and Pedro Feliz fucked, they’d make the most monkey-looking children ever created… and we all know Pedro would deliver it.
I found this on the net... it really captures how much of a bitch Pedro is
Blogger Bitch Fight
Posted by Dickie Assburn in General Thoughts, Mic'd Up, Phillies Rants, injuries on January 18th, 2010
Sorry if you're one of the women fighting in this picture... I would've asked for permission, but we all know you're both too trashy to have any idea what copyright infringement is anyway.
I always like to pretend I’m writing about something timely (and by ‘always’ I mean my last two entries), and ‘bitch fights’ are actually very timely. Over at NBC, Conando and Jay ‘Wake up-shitty monologue-star guests-Kevin Eubanks-shitty band-go to bed’ Leno are involved in a bitch fight over who gets to speak directly after the local news. Conan shits all over Jay’s life – this is something we all know and love. However, how many people actually watch these two? Everyone loves to say ‘I Love Conan!!!!!!’ but how many people actually watch him every night? The same can be said for Jay Leno. No one really watches them. They just want to take sides and talk shit whenever they can… and such is the human condition.
Notice: Conan = Matt Damon creeping around town in The Departed aka bad ass. Leno = Mehhh can you tell I just got raped or nahhh mehhh???
So how about I instigate a public uproar over something people actually do consistently care about, like baseball blog sites? (lolol)
If you follow the Phils during the off-season (a period in time I cannot stand) then you’ve realized that the arbitration hearings are going to be underway soon. Victorino, Chooch, and Joe Fuckin Blanton are all guys that are due to receive raises, and to (at least) some degree, I’d say they’ve all earned them.
Enter Chad Durbin, the guy made about 1.635 million last year and had an ERA on the really wrong side of 4.
Here is something I read that was published on ‘THE PHILLIES FILES’:
Durbin, 32,earned $1.635 million in 2009. Although his numbers are a little down from 2008 (he had a 4.39 ERA in 59 games in 2009 compared to the 2.87 ERA he posted in 71 games in 2008), he’s still due for a raise. This isn’t someone the Phillies should neglect. He’s more valuable than many realize, especially considering he’s one of the few returning to a much-broken up bullpen.
You mean to tell me there isn’t a guy in the minors who can’t suck that bad for us at a lower price than 1.635 million dollars? Seriously? I don’t really think he was ever really that great. For the better part of his career, his ERA struggled to stay under 5. Many seasons saw Durbin pitching much worse than that. His career ERA eats my ass and I really don’t see why such a shitty overall player (for his career) sees a raise coming soon from 1.635 mill. That’s bananas. Sorry, Mr. THE PHILLIES FILES guy. I can’t agree with you here.
BTW… Everyone’s saying Lidge won’t be ready for the start of the season. Not that he’s been any good or anything, but who is going to be our closer come opening day? Madson? Holy shit.
I had a dream last night…
Posted by Bay Slugga in Site News on January 15th, 2010
That I made some sort of hilarious post for 4DR. Well I’m still well into my offseason conditioning program, and I don’t intend on making actual contributions until Spring Training.
Let me just share some thoughts…
1. Brad Lidge is a pussy.
2. Brett Myers can lick my balls. <3
3. Carlos Beltran is also a pussy.
That is all, see you soon! K, thx, BYEZ!!
Jamie Moyer… or lack there of.
Posted by Dickie Assburn in Free Agency, injuries on January 11th, 2010
Not too long ago, Jamie sprayed champagne all over the walls. This year, it's feces.
I figured the first post of the new year should include a popped bottle of champagne. It seemed/seems timely, so why not?
Alright, that’s all I’m going to say about champagne.
Is Jamie Moyer dying? Seriously – his blood is deteriorating, he’s old as shit, and I feel like he shadily gets rushed to the ER bi-weekly. Is it just me, or is the guy that’s projected to be our fifth-starter going to be warming up before games in a tomb?
In other news… The Phillies signed Danys Baez to a two-year deal and hope he can pick up the slack. The bullpen sucked last year and that is no secret. Brad Lidge is the poster child for nervous ninnies around the globe and clips of Pujols rocking his shit into night have resurfaced. Life has certainly sucked in that department for mole boy and Phils fans alike.
What is our bullpen going to look like? I can’t just sit around and accept that Ruben is going to scrape up some sourpuss that is pissed off in March over the fact that he couldn’t command a reasonable offer to match his skill set. I hate bargain hunting. Sure – it is troubling to some that a team that’s been to the World Series two years in a row can’t just go out and sign someone GOOD if they want to, but I’ve already spoken about why we can’t do that.
Chad Durbin? J.C. Romero (don’t give a fuck if he took drugs; can he still play)? Who else? Kendrick? Bastardo?
I will point out that projecting bullpen stats for most teams is a fools’ game. With that said, I will be quiet before going any further.
Doug Glanville is now a writer for the NY Times
Posted by Dickie Assburn in Ballplayer Lifestyle, Free Agency, Media and Press on December 28th, 2009
Wow - what a lineup
I just stumbled upon an article by Doug Glanville, the Phils former beloved center fielder, on nytimes.com. I usually just assume every sports player is exactly the same: a spoiled douchebag dumbass that will waste all of his money on boos and sluts within 10 years of ‘retirement,’ or that period where they stop working after age 36. Dougie clearly proved me wrong. He writes rather eloquently and gives pretty brilliant insight into the lives of professional athletes. His last two articles are about why people like Tiger Woods fuck 80 other women instead of the one that has their kids, and about baseball’s culture of free agency. He chronicles his dealings with Ed Wade and his negotiations during the summer where he decided to leave the Phillies for the Rangers. Like I said: it’s a good read, so check that shit out.
Check out that shitty ass lineup in the picture, btw. We fucking sucked!
Also – not sure if anyone heard, but Ruben basically said Chan Slut Park isn’t returning. I don’t know what the fuck he’s been thinking lately. The only negotiations I’ve heard out of the China-man’s camp are the ones with his attorney. He’s apparently suing some shitty old baseball player, claiming that he lent old whitey some large 6-figure amount and never had it paid back to him. It smells a little fishy (I guess I should say ’sushi’ here… just remember: he’s Chinese – hahaaa!!!) to me. This reportedly happened years ago and now Chan’s chanting at Chad Kreuter with some sort of “give me my fucking money NOW BITCH” campaign. Get yours, Chan Slut. I guess I can’t blame you.
Lee: Phillies raped me blind in the woods
Posted by Dickie Assburn in Breaking News, Playoffs and World Series, Trades on December 18th, 2009
Cliff Lee had a phone convo with some ESPN guy recently and said that he and Amaro exchanged a few pleasantries over a contract extension. He says that Amaro made an offer, that he (Lee) made a counteroffer, and then Cliff went off to the mountains or something to go hunt with his buddies. His wife called him and said she heard that he might be getting traded, so Lee called Ruben and he said that it basically ‘wasn’t real’ or something like that. And then, apparently, the deal was done a day later. Cliff says he is shocked and bit hurt over all of this.
So yeah, as I said, the Phils raped Cliff Lee blind in the woods… what else could you get out of that information?
This might be the main difference to me when comparing Cliff and Doc: Halladay will DEMAND the ball on 3 days rest if we need it in the Playoffs. I know Cliff said he’d take the ball if Charlie asked him too, but I didn’t really like that. You need your ace in those moments. The Yankees used a three man rotation for a long ass time throughout the playoffs… Their three best pitchers – guys who are pretty damn good. I just would’ve liked if Lee was a vocal leader in that situation, and a guy who would’ve demanded that he pitch – something that, I believe, Halladay will be if given the chance.
That is my lone beef with Cliff Lee. He’s an amazing pitcher and he was lights out for us. I have no complaints.
John Sickels from minorleagueball.com released an updated report on who he believes the top 20 prospects are in our organization and why about an hour ago.
sup fool
1) Domonic Brown, OF, Grade B+: Borderline A-. I love this guy, but the tools aren’t quite refined yet and they need to give him a solid consolidation season in 2010, start him off in Reading and leave him there until July no matter what he does.
2) Trevor May, RHP, Grade B-: Borderline B. I love the upside with this arm as demonstrated in his K/IP and H/IP ratios, but he needs to cut back on the walks.
3) Phillipe Aumont, RHP, Grade B-: High upside arm acquired from the Mariners but I worry about his durability and mechanics.
4) J.C. Ramirez, RHP, Grade B-: Another high upside arm acquired from the Mariners. High Desert hurt his numbers. I’ve always liked him better than the numbers indicate I should, and I think a breakout is possible in 2010.
5) Anthony Gose, OF, Grade C+: Love the speed, youth, and the athleticism. Don’t like the high strikeout rate for a guy without much power. Most advanced of the uber-tools players collected in this system in recent drafts.
6) Sebastian Valle, C, Grade C+: Excellent power potential and very young, but plate discipline and defense need work.
7) Domingo Santana, OF, Grade C+: Another tools guy, excellent power production in the Gulf Coast League but plate discipline/contact could be issues. Could rank much higher next year.
8 ) Tyson Gillies, OF, Grade C+: Draws walks, steals bases with outstanding speed, good glove, fun to watch. Most of his power came at High Desert; Double-A production could raise him to a B- or even a B. Could rank as high as fifth if you want to value his polish over pure upside of Gose, Valle, and Santana.
9) Jarred Cosart, RHP, Grade C+: Live arm, good stats in limited GCL sample, negative reports about makeup are a concern but he’s young enough to outgrow that. Like Santana, could rank much higher next year.
10) Antonio Bastardo, LHP, Grade C+: I’ve liked the guy for awhile and expect him to be a good pitcher, but durability problems make it more likely as a reliever. – http://www.minorleagueball.com/2009/12/18/1207506/philadelphia-phillies-top-20
Oh, and the Phils exercised their club option on Rollins for 2011… keepin’ the rims spinnin’ on that Cadillac, I guess?