Archive for October, 2009
Joe Blanton in Game 4
Posted by Even Stevens in Breaking News, Enemies, Game Previews, Playoffs and World Series on October 30th, 2009
Charlie Manuel gave word today that Cliff Lee would start in Game 4 to face CC Sabathia. Wait, I mean…no, no, I guess he didn’t say that. It’ll actually be Joe Blanton and his extremely well-rested arm that will pitch in the most important game of my his life when the Phillies take on the Yankees at home on Sunday night.
The Phillies were sort of in a weird position with this situation all along. Cliff Lee has publicly stated that he’s willing to pitch on 3 days’ rest, but I guess the fact that he’s never actually done it before weighed in one Charlie’s decision. We all know who is going to be pitching Game 4 for the Yankees – that oafy, pizza-loving bastard with bear mitts for hands, CC Sabathia. Maybe Charlie Manuel’s thinking for lining up Blanton vs. Sabathia was that they could have a pie-eating contest after the game or something – who the fuck knows.
Anyway, my worry with this move is that Joe Blanton won’t be sharp. The old saying is that if you’re scared, you should get a dog. So here’s hoping that Big Joe will realize it’s the World Fucking Series and pitch with all balls and no excuses.
See you in Philly, you guinea sons of bitches.
We needed the split… we got the split.
Posted by Dickie Assburn in Game Summaries on October 30th, 2009
What? I'm busy today - fuck off....
Concrete Jungle Where Dreams Are Madeee… Up.
Posted by Dickie Assburn in Enemies, Game Summaries, Playoffs and World Series on October 29th, 2009
You know you're a douchebag when you still airbrush shit and think it's cool... Airbrushing died with Aaliyah and her ghetto ass 'RIP mami' tshirts everyone got made up... Get with the times.
Bay Slugga is tired.
And by tired, I mean wacking off all over his toilet seat.
So I, Dickie Assburn, will be doing the postgame commentary.
AND may I start by saying… FUCK YES!!!
Want to see how easy it is? I’d show you, but I know a guy who is probably a lot better suited at doing the job…
———————————–
"I'd try... if someone made me."
What went down: Step one in proving the ‘experts’ wrong went pretty GOD DAMN WELL. Cliff Lee dominated the New York Yankees like they were the Washington Gnats. It didn’t look challenging for a second – seriously. He was not fazed by anything the “Bronx Bombers” threw at him… which was mostly nothing. Chase Utley kicked fucking ass, launching two long balls into the soon-to-be-empty seats at the brand spanking new Yankee Stadium. The big hitters for the Yankees didn’t do SHIT, and A-Rod looked a lot like that little bitch we saw for… well… mostly his entire career. You struck out three times, and I’m pretty sure that means you’ll be sucking Kate’s dick tonight. Furthermore, New York yuppies who attended the game (which had far too many empty seats at every point during the game) started to leave in great volume around the 7th inning. You would think that wouldn’t be the case, considering how ‘fuuhhhckinnn proud they are’ of their team, and considering that it’s only game one. But hey, I guess I just don’t understand. I guess they stopped selling Heineken at that point? Well, at least the miniscule amount of real fans you guys have had no problem getting out of the parking lot, right?
What I liked: Chase and Cliff don’t fit in here. To say that I liked them would be a smack in the face to those guys. I’m going to talk about Jimmy Rollins’ GENIUS fucking play that got both Cano and Matsui (a jackass) out. Seriously, that’s one of the only times I’ve seen a black man out-duel a China-man during a battle of the minds. It’s only a matter of time before Jimmy hits one out of the park, by the way. I’d say he’s due. He hit two really hard ones tonight that were almost fair. He also ran the bases really well, and kept some of their crappy relievers off balance with his tomfoolery in the area. Great game, J-Roll.
Werth showed some great plate discipline that I was really wanting to see from him in earning two walks tonight. Ryan, although you struck out twice, you still walked away with a RBI, and batted .400. Batting .400 is fantastic for anyone during these playoffs, but for you now a days, it’s pretty “meh…” That is how much you kick ass. You are on a hot streak. Slay the Yankees and beat Kate Hudson with your black dick all the way down Broad Street, big guy.
What pissed me off: Ruben Amaro Jr.’s big kosher pickle Jew erect dick kept poking me in the eye during the seventh inning stretch. He lost his boner after he heard that crazy bitch’s voice that was singing, but got it back up when he realized that CLIFF LEE, his gem of an acquisition, was still shitting all over the YANKS… yeah da YANKS brah!!! (end shitty New York lingo)… deep into the 8th inning.
Raul, I’m sorry, I know you had 2 RBIs, but you left wayyyy too many runners on base. I know you’re playing hurt, but you really need to step it up. We love you, but you better start raging out into Pharaoh’s Fury more often when you have the luxury of 80 zillion runners on base everytime you get up to bat.
Pedro Feliz – you are fucking pathetic. I wish more people knew how to effectively play 3rd base… because you make too much to hit too little. Your defense is still good, but you can’t hit worth shit. I’m sorry, but if the clinching game comes around, and we clearly have it won, and you suddenly suffer a career ending injury… I might giggle.
Jimmy – you’re not completely off the hook. Replicate a ‘Chase Utley throw into no man’s land’ again and I will piss on you.
Now what: Game 2 a.k.a. when most YANKS FANZ will stop watching. “Wait bra is this a YANKS game or a HOV concert broski? I dno but either way let’s leave around ten, the club awaits and my hair ain’t gonna impress itself tonight.”
You will all come to see him... and then, you will leave.
I Know What the New York Post Will Say Tomorrow…
Posted by WTT in Breaking News, Enemies, General Thoughts, Miscellaneous Rants, Opposition Rants, Playoffs and World Series on October 28th, 2009
Look, I have a job, so I have to go to bed…but something tells me that the front page of the NY Post tomorrow is going to read something like this…
“Yo! The Phils got Lucky. Parmesan!”
Jerkoffs.
Fuck you, New York. How’s that one feel? Yeah? Well, get used to it.
P.S. I enjoyed the…I don’t know, like 20,000 there to see the end of that game. Frauds.
World Series Preview
Posted by Bay Slugga in Game Previews, Playoffs and World Series on October 28th, 2009
Just as I did with the NLCS, I’m linking you to the Recliner GM’s World Series Preview. Whoever is writing this shit over their really does a great job.
Look for my far less intelligent preview this afternoon…
Why New York is like the Fat and Drunk Best Man at a Wedding
Posted by Even Stevens in Enemies, General Thoughts, Media and Press, Miscellaneous Rants, Playoffs and World Series on October 27th, 2009
New York City and everything about it exudes arrogance. I hate that fucking city. It is truly the armpit of America.
It's like a gathering of uncilivized monkeys that give eachother balltaps and spot eachother at the gym.
Aside from the fact that New York is like a poorly watered tree that sprouts mutated branches (i.e. the inbreds that all look the same from Staten Island – example to the right), its sports teams and fans are the ultimate frauds. The pride of the Big Apple – the New York Giants – play in New Jersey, for Christ’s sake. The only teams that are centralized in this self-proclaimed “great” city are the Knicks and Rangers, both of whom suck worse than a first-timer with braces.
It’s time these self-serving douchebags realize that they’re a joke. I’ve been at bars and seen “Yankees fans” fist-pumping in the club part upstairs during the entire time a game is on. They’ll occasionally stop downstairs to the bar, where the TV’s are, to pay for their Heineken with the crisp $100 bill that comes from the family money of their Jew father. ”Ayo – are the YANKS winnin?” Listen, asshole. If you want to know whether or not ‘your team’ is winning, why don’t you sit down and watch the fucking game? The guido girls upstairs with the bad skin and the extensions will still be there when the game is over. You don’t have to finger-bang them and buy them another Vodka & Red Bull in the middle of a clutch situation in the 7th.
Phillies fans watch all of their baseball games. Yankees fans are absentee season-ticket holders and show up when it matters if their over-priced line-up can produce enough runs to get them to the postseason.
My next point, and my wise colleague pointed this out earlier, is about the journalistic sewage that leaks off the keyboards and onto the screens of almost every scribe in the city. How can a newspaper that today photoshopped Shane Victorino in a skirt onto the cover page be taken seriously? As if that weren’t enough, the New York Post still employs what might as well be a Tarot-card-reading phony named Kevin Kernan. How can somebody who publishes THIS still have a job and be taken seriously? Reading anything he writes is like believing Darren Daulton’s theory that the world is going to end in 3 years but then taking out a 30-year mortgage.
New York is obnoxious and dirty. The city of bright lights and big dreams is a reality only for the limp-wristed go-getters who sucked enough dick to land the Lead in the next showing of Rent. They say everybody should live in New York for a year, and that’s all fine and good if you’re doing a social experiment to see if you can escape without AIDS – otherwise, stick to your hometown. The rudeness is overwhelming, and people are broken there on a daily basis not because they lack the strength to survive, but because the wealth of the city exploits naiveté in a way that strengthens only the powerful dickheads. The entire city wears this sense of false entitlement like dark cloak that can’t be taken off. It’s disgusting.
That said, it’s going to be a circus in Philly when these overpaid assclowns from New York are sent back to their Penthouse apartments and vacation homes in other, prettier cities. For the second straight year, the Phillies will hold the World Series trophy over their heads while an inferior American League opponent is exploited for their weaknesses. The only different is that this year, the Phillies will finally get the credit they deserve on the national scale. Beating the Tampa Bay Rays was nice, but handing the Yankees the ass-whopping of their careers will be second to none.
A win in this World Series will finally legitimize the Phillies to all of the national print and television media who consistently pick the Yankees to win based on their history and bravado. Or maybe it won’t, since New York is a state of mind. The only problem with that state of mind is that it’s retarded and unfounded. We’ll know by next Tuesday night why that is.