Archive for category Media and Press
Jose Reyes Makes Me LOL
Posted by Bay Slugga in Enemies, Media and Press on March 5th, 2010
Can anyone else smell that? It's just Jose's vagina.
Anyone notice that Jose Reyes has been scratched from the last two Grapefruit League games? This was all downplayed yesterday (classic Mets), but it turns out Jose has something wrong with his vagina…I mean thyroid. Same thing right?
The worst part of this is that Reyes is headed back to New York to get checked out by team doctors. I’d expect a story to break in the next week that the Met’s doctors misdiagnosed poor Jose – what they thought was a thyroid imbalance is actually AIDS. Maybe he should use some discretion while partying at his favorite Latin lounge?
No way Jose!
Rollins and Werth are BFF
Posted by Bay Slugga in Ballplayer Lifestyle, Media and Press on February 23rd, 2010
Props to Scott Lauber for posting a text message exchange between Rollins and Werth the day the Phillies traded for Roy Halladay. The original chain of messages went something like this:
Werth: “What’s going on?”
Rollins: “What happened? Roy? Dang, we didn’t get him? He went somewhere else?”
Werth: “No, we got him. We traded away Cliff.”
Rollins: “So, you mean we only get to keep one?”
Werth: “Yeah.”
What Scott neglected to mention were the messages that were sent next:
Rollins: “Damn, son. Wanna smoke a blunt?”
Werth: “Nah bro. I’m too stoned to drive and I’m watching I Love Lucy.”
Rollins: “True dat. Imma come chill with you. I’ll bring Notorious on Blu Ray.”
Roy Rules!
Posted by Bay Slugga in Ballplayer Lifestyle, Media and Press on February 23rd, 2010
I had a chance to catch up with Kyle Kendrick a few days ago, and he wouldn’t shut the fuck up about Roy Halladay. I wish I had a transcript of the conversation – it was really pathetic.
“OMG, Bay Slugga, Roy has really strong legs. No wonder he pitches 240 innings a year.”
“Roy is a really special guy…I mean pitcher. I want to be just like him!”
“Roy made this joke in the bullpen yesterday, and I laughed so hard I forgot my opponents hit .600 off me.”
After a while I started to get really tired of all the Halladay slurping, and I told Kyle to STFU and show me naked pictures of his hot girlfriend – that was much more enjoyable.
Sure enough, after a few minutes passed, Kyle started ranting about Halladay again. I tried to tune it out after he started talking about Halladay dressing up as a pirate and eating bananas – that made me feel really weird. I felt bad for the poor guy, so I decided to help Kyle by filming this documentary/music video for him.
ROY RULES!
Excuse the the content in this video that obviously doesn’t make sense/doesn’t apply to the situation between Kyle and Roy. Kyle may have been high during the filming of this video, which may explain why he demanded I put an “SNL” label in the beginning.
Foreign brides, old men, and shitty fans = Major League Baseball
Posted by Dickie Assburn in Ballplayer Lifestyle, Enemies, Free Agency, Media and Press, Mic'd Up on February 10th, 2010
There’s been a lot of amusing talk about contract extensions in baseball as of late. For some reason or another, there’s just been a flurry of activity on the topic of teams and players renewing their vows.
Twins owner Jim Pohlad reportedly said that he was not in on the Joe Mauer negotiations. The Twins obviously want to lock Mauer up for life, and if they don’t, Minnesota should/could be handing Pohlad the death penalty. Jim Pohlad is a big business guy – he’s not just the owner of the Twins. He is an entrepreneur, goddammit!!!!! His philosophy: fuck a Joe Mauer; I’m rich, bitch!!
However, you would have to be a pretty dumb motherfucker not to realize that Mauer is a healthy, strong investment, even if you don’t give a flying shit about your fanbase. Pohland is acting like Joe Mauer is some sort of mail order bride. He’s all “Hey, reporter, listen: I’m ordering a slut from Russia, but I don’t know her name and I’ll never speak to her. I won’t even sleep with her. I’m going to have my minions order her, and my customers will give her some ‘wear and tear’ for the next 8-10 years… but make no mistake about it: I don’t know the bitch.”
... I have nothing to say about this.
I’m just surprised Pohlad wouldn’t be doing everything in his personal power to keep Mauer. Point blank: if you can find a Russian slut of Mauer’s caliber, you get her. Pay her whatever she wants – she’s worth it. And if she bats like .365 on the side? Even better!
BTW – While reading the comments on this story on ESPN, I saw a lot of Yankees fans trying to take some weird high road by saying “Hey! Yankees Fan Here! Hope Mauer stays in Minnesota – it’s only right!” It was like a bad high school movie where the star, male-model high school QB is famous for banging every girl in school, but won’t take the blonde valedictorian’s virginity because “she’s too good for it.” News flash, Yanks fans: When/If Posada retires to the deserts of Egypt to pursue a career as a camel and your farm system runs dry (and before you say anything, I know you might have a great catcher waiting in the wings), you’ll be blueprinting escape routes for when you kidnap Joe Mauer out of Minnesota on $500,000,000,000 ransom. I know this. You know this. Joe Mauer knows this.
Face it: you buy everything you remotely need, and that will never change. I don’t have a problem with the Yankees doing this, but their fans need to shut the fuck up. You can’t have it both ways. You run your baseball team like Dynasty Mode in MLB The Show, and it’s been the running joke made of Major League Baseball since I learned how to shit.
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Side notes:
Cashman came out and said he isn’t extending Jeter or Rivera because they signed contracts and need to play them out. It’s a good statement to make. I’m glad he’s being honest. I hate when players feel the need to get new contracts before they’ve finished their existing ones… however, I feel that there was more to it than the whole ‘honest is the best policy’ deal.
"Yeah uhh... don't ask me for money if you're a 35-year-old shortstop... sass me again and I'll buy Hanley Ramirez, dick"
Jeter is going to want to play baseball for a long time. He’s a great player and he’s been a hitting machine. He probably won’t get Rose’s record, but he’ll get pretty damn close. SS is a skill position and to expect Jeter to play there into his 40s would be ridiculous. I know he practices hard as fuck and is a great player and all that shit… yadayadayada THE YANKEES WON’T WANT HIM PLAYING SHORTSTOP WHEN HE’S 40-SOMETHING YEARS-OLD!!! That much is a no-brainer. If Jeter wants to stay a Yankee, he’s going to have to accept a demotion to the bench/DH role in the next 3-4 years (I give him this much time because he is, as I’ve said, Derek Jeter.) One has to assume A-Rod would become DH eventually when he can no longer man the hot corner, and when that happens, Jeter is out. I doubt he’ll want to be a bench player, and I doubt the Yankees will want to pay him an 8-figure amount to be a bench player.
Yankees fans: thank you in advance for somehow thinking that what I ‘clearly said’ was that Derek Jeter actually dated Nick Cannon, that A-Rod invented the AIDS virus, and that Brian Cashman killed 2pac, Biggie, and Kangaroo Jack.
PS – you you all suck cock. LOL
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In other news… I forgot this website is supposed to be about the Phillies. We re-signed Clutch Chooch to a nice 3-year extension. Senor Octubre will be in full effect well after the end of the Mayan calendar, and that’s awesome.
Doug Glanville is now a writer for the NY Times
Posted by Dickie Assburn in Ballplayer Lifestyle, Free Agency, Media and Press on December 28th, 2009
Wow - what a lineup
I just stumbled upon an article by Doug Glanville, the Phils former beloved center fielder, on nytimes.com. I usually just assume every sports player is exactly the same: a spoiled douchebag dumbass that will waste all of his money on boos and sluts within 10 years of ‘retirement,’ or that period where they stop working after age 36. Dougie clearly proved me wrong. He writes rather eloquently and gives pretty brilliant insight into the lives of professional athletes. His last two articles are about why people like Tiger Woods fuck 80 other women instead of the one that has their kids, and about baseball’s culture of free agency. He chronicles his dealings with Ed Wade and his negotiations during the summer where he decided to leave the Phillies for the Rangers. Like I said: it’s a good read, so check that shit out.
Check out that shitty ass lineup in the picture, btw. We fucking sucked!
Also – not sure if anyone heard, but Ruben basically said Chan Slut Park isn’t returning. I don’t know what the fuck he’s been thinking lately. The only negotiations I’ve heard out of the China-man’s camp are the ones with his attorney. He’s apparently suing some shitty old baseball player, claiming that he lent old whitey some large 6-figure amount and never had it paid back to him. It smells a little fishy (I guess I should say ’sushi’ here… just remember: he’s Chinese – hahaaa!!!) to me. This reportedly happened years ago and now Chan’s chanting at Chad Kreuter with some sort of “give me my fucking money NOW BITCH” campaign. Get yours, Chan Slut. I guess I can’t blame you.
Amaro and Halladay Finally Fuck
Posted by Bay Slugga in Breaking News, Media and Press on December 17th, 2009
Go back and read the archives and see for yourself. Sometime around last season’s trade deadline, this website blogged about two things – Roy Halladay and Brad Lidge. Well now the wait is finally over, and all our sexual metaphors and homosexual references between Halladay, Amaro, and the Phillies have finally become a reality. Life is good for us Phillies fans.
Ruben, please remove your hand from my ass.