Archive for category Mic'd Up
The “Fuck You” Signings
Posted by Dickie Assburn in Enemies, Free Agency, Mic'd Up, NL East Reviews on February 27th, 2010
I’m really glad my blogmates decided to stop hitting the slopes and start hitting the keyboard. PS – blogmates is a fag way of saying Bay Slugga and WTT, btw. The site was too empty with just one tiny little Dick.
It is with great pride that I announce that I am currently heading into my second year as a contributor (is that what you call people who write filth like the shit we post here?) on 4DR… or as you Yankees/Red Sox fans put it: my second year as a Phillies fan!
A couple of days ago, I noticed that that douchebag Rod Barajas signed with the Mets. Strangely, this was the Mets scariest offseason acquisition. Before you say anything, yes — I do remember that they signed Jason Bay. But he looks Hopper from A Bug’s Life? How can you be scared of that face?
Don't know what's worse: Bay's odds of finding a grasshopper to fuck in New York or Hopper's odds of being mentioned on any other baseball site
But anyway, back to Rod Barajas. He’s fucking pathetic. Do you know what he is? Do you want to know what he is? He’s not a grasshopper — no, he’s something much worse. He reminds me of the girl that went out with a guy once that didn’t treat her as good as she thought she deserved to be treated… so she started doing whatever she could to make the guy realize what he’s “missing out on,” up to and including: a) trying to make his life a living hell, and b) sleeping with his friends. You would think it’d piss the guy off, right? No, because the guy has moved on to bigger and better things… like reaching the World Series twice in two years.
I swear the guy is on a mission to kill the Phillies… but he’s irrelevant. Sure, he will piss you off when he randomly decides to go Joe Mauer on us, but there’s a reason why we all say “FUCKING ROD BARAJAS… WHAT THE FUCK” when it happens: he sucks. And now he signed with the Mets because he’s still pissed off that he can’t be with us, even though he’d try to leave the Mets in a second if we offered him a roster spot… poor girl.
Another “fuck you” signing? Billy Wagner. He claims he hates the Phillies and their fans so much, yet he keeps playing for teams that play us more than any other team in the majors. Pat Burrell was right: he really is a rat. Only a rat would keep going back to the well (the N.L. East) so many times for cheese even though it didn’t like the way it tasted the first time around. Did you see how much he freaked out when the Mets shipped him off to the Red Sox last year? Any other player would give up jerking off for a year if they had the opportunity to leave the Mets for the Red Sox… but not Billy. Look for him to tear his rotator cuff and sign an incentives-laden deal with the Gnats in the winter of 2011.
"Three words, y'all: fuck you"
Billy Wagner really didn’t need to sign in the N.L. East. He could’ve found work somewhere else… something I cannot say for Eric Bruntlett, who signed with the Gnats. That’s more of a “fuck ME” though, right?
He reminds me of Freddie Prinze Jr.’s career circa mid 90s-now. He was in these ‘really big at the time’ movies like I Know What You Did Last Summer, which was like, totally da bomb, and then he was part of I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, which was kind of big but wasn’t cutting it during that era… kinda like how the Phillies won, and then went back to the show, and lost. The correlation here is that Freddie Prinze Jr. got kicked out of stardom because people realized two things: a) the current formula wasn’t going to keep working, and b) he couldn’t act for shit. The Phillies realized: a) you can’t keep platooning Eric Bruntlett anywhere near a baseball diamond and expect to keep winning, and b) he couldn’t play baseball for shit. Therefore, ties were cut, and the once-was-our-own Berenstein bear is now somebody else’s problem.
Bruntlett would've played a better Fred, I swear
A New Year, A New Cole Hamels? Only Time Will Tell.
Posted by WTT in General Thoughts, Mic'd Up, Phillies Rants on February 26th, 2010
Rich Dubee offers some Cole Hamels some feedback after today's side session.
I have to be honest with you. My writing thrives off of the anger of an unacceptable loss or the cockiness of a five-game winning streak. I usually can’t get all fired up about bullpen sessions or how Domonic Brown swung at a pitch against Roy Halladay, so I’m treating some of these first posts of the season as a bit of a spring training for myself. There are, however, some interesting stories emerging that are worth exploring. Our plan is to take a look at some of these storylines over the next few days. First up:
1. According to Rich Dubee, Cole Hamels isn’t acting like a complete pussy this year.
The initial reports out of Clearwater are that Cole Hamels seems to be leaps and bounds ahead of where he was at this time last spring (or any other spring for that matter) and that’s great. I’m sure he’s in better shape, and I’m sure Rich Dubee does in fact like what he sees so far. Additionally, Dubee had high praise of Hamels’ attitude. From Matt Gelb of The Phillies Zone:
And even when something went wrong, Hamels recovered, Dubee said. Hamels bounced a fastball to the plate and became angered — exactly what Dubee criticized Hamels for doing too much last season. But he straighted out his emotions and threw a fastball on the next pitch.
“Tremendous adjustment in his behavior,” Dubee said. “He threw a gem the next pitch.”
Well, it would certainly be nice to see that pattern continue throughout this season, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t state the obvious here. It’s all well and good that Cole Hamels isn’t having a meltdown in front of 15 people in Clearwater on February 26th, but let’s see where he’s at after he has allowed a few base runners in the 6th inning of a 3-2 game once it actually counts.
It would be foolish to believe that the 2009 version of Cole Hamels is all he will ever be for the remainder of his career. You can’t dominate the way Hamels once did purely on luck. Pitchers aren’t just “figured out” that quickly, especially ascending stars who are just entering their prime. While it’s important he gains more confidence and control of his curveball or that he implements this much talked about cutter as a fourth pitch, Hamels’ head will be what truly dictates his success, or lack thereof in 2010. This will be something worth keeping an eye on throughout the spring and into April because it should be evident rather quickly where Hamels is at mentally and, hopefully, the results meet the early-season expectations.
Foreign brides, old men, and shitty fans = Major League Baseball
Posted by Dickie Assburn in Ballplayer Lifestyle, Enemies, Free Agency, Media and Press, Mic'd Up on February 10th, 2010
There’s been a lot of amusing talk about contract extensions in baseball as of late. For some reason or another, there’s just been a flurry of activity on the topic of teams and players renewing their vows.
Twins owner Jim Pohlad reportedly said that he was not in on the Joe Mauer negotiations. The Twins obviously want to lock Mauer up for life, and if they don’t, Minnesota should/could be handing Pohlad the death penalty. Jim Pohlad is a big business guy – he’s not just the owner of the Twins. He is an entrepreneur, goddammit!!!!! His philosophy: fuck a Joe Mauer; I’m rich, bitch!!
However, you would have to be a pretty dumb motherfucker not to realize that Mauer is a healthy, strong investment, even if you don’t give a flying shit about your fanbase. Pohland is acting like Joe Mauer is some sort of mail order bride. He’s all “Hey, reporter, listen: I’m ordering a slut from Russia, but I don’t know her name and I’ll never speak to her. I won’t even sleep with her. I’m going to have my minions order her, and my customers will give her some ‘wear and tear’ for the next 8-10 years… but make no mistake about it: I don’t know the bitch.”
... I have nothing to say about this.
I’m just surprised Pohlad wouldn’t be doing everything in his personal power to keep Mauer. Point blank: if you can find a Russian slut of Mauer’s caliber, you get her. Pay her whatever she wants – she’s worth it. And if she bats like .365 on the side? Even better!
BTW – While reading the comments on this story on ESPN, I saw a lot of Yankees fans trying to take some weird high road by saying “Hey! Yankees Fan Here! Hope Mauer stays in Minnesota – it’s only right!” It was like a bad high school movie where the star, male-model high school QB is famous for banging every girl in school, but won’t take the blonde valedictorian’s virginity because “she’s too good for it.” News flash, Yanks fans: When/If Posada retires to the deserts of Egypt to pursue a career as a camel and your farm system runs dry (and before you say anything, I know you might have a great catcher waiting in the wings), you’ll be blueprinting escape routes for when you kidnap Joe Mauer out of Minnesota on $500,000,000,000 ransom. I know this. You know this. Joe Mauer knows this.
Face it: you buy everything you remotely need, and that will never change. I don’t have a problem with the Yankees doing this, but their fans need to shut the fuck up. You can’t have it both ways. You run your baseball team like Dynasty Mode in MLB The Show, and it’s been the running joke made of Major League Baseball since I learned how to shit.
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Side notes:
Cashman came out and said he isn’t extending Jeter or Rivera because they signed contracts and need to play them out. It’s a good statement to make. I’m glad he’s being honest. I hate when players feel the need to get new contracts before they’ve finished their existing ones… however, I feel that there was more to it than the whole ‘honest is the best policy’ deal.
"Yeah uhh... don't ask me for money if you're a 35-year-old shortstop... sass me again and I'll buy Hanley Ramirez, dick"
Jeter is going to want to play baseball for a long time. He’s a great player and he’s been a hitting machine. He probably won’t get Rose’s record, but he’ll get pretty damn close. SS is a skill position and to expect Jeter to play there into his 40s would be ridiculous. I know he practices hard as fuck and is a great player and all that shit… yadayadayada THE YANKEES WON’T WANT HIM PLAYING SHORTSTOP WHEN HE’S 40-SOMETHING YEARS-OLD!!! That much is a no-brainer. If Jeter wants to stay a Yankee, he’s going to have to accept a demotion to the bench/DH role in the next 3-4 years (I give him this much time because he is, as I’ve said, Derek Jeter.) One has to assume A-Rod would become DH eventually when he can no longer man the hot corner, and when that happens, Jeter is out. I doubt he’ll want to be a bench player, and I doubt the Yankees will want to pay him an 8-figure amount to be a bench player.
Yankees fans: thank you in advance for somehow thinking that what I ‘clearly said’ was that Derek Jeter actually dated Nick Cannon, that A-Rod invented the AIDS virus, and that Brian Cashman killed 2pac, Biggie, and Kangaroo Jack.
PS – you you all suck cock. LOL
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In other news… I forgot this website is supposed to be about the Phillies. We re-signed Clutch Chooch to a nice 3-year extension. Senor Octubre will be in full effect well after the end of the Mayan calendar, and that’s awesome.
Blogger Bitch Fight
Posted by Dickie Assburn in General Thoughts, Mic'd Up, Phillies Rants, injuries on January 18th, 2010
Sorry if you're one of the women fighting in this picture... I would've asked for permission, but we all know you're both too trashy to have any idea what copyright infringement is anyway.
I always like to pretend I’m writing about something timely (and by ‘always’ I mean my last two entries), and ‘bitch fights’ are actually very timely. Over at NBC, Conando and Jay ‘Wake up-shitty monologue-star guests-Kevin Eubanks-shitty band-go to bed’ Leno are involved in a bitch fight over who gets to speak directly after the local news. Conan shits all over Jay’s life – this is something we all know and love. However, how many people actually watch these two? Everyone loves to say ‘I Love Conan!!!!!!’ but how many people actually watch him every night? The same can be said for Jay Leno. No one really watches them. They just want to take sides and talk shit whenever they can… and such is the human condition.
Notice: Conan = Matt Damon creeping around town in The Departed aka bad ass. Leno = Mehhh can you tell I just got raped or nahhh mehhh???
So how about I instigate a public uproar over something people actually do consistently care about, like baseball blog sites? (lolol)
If you follow the Phils during the off-season (a period in time I cannot stand) then you’ve realized that the arbitration hearings are going to be underway soon. Victorino, Chooch, and Joe Fuckin Blanton are all guys that are due to receive raises, and to (at least) some degree, I’d say they’ve all earned them.
Enter Chad Durbin, the guy made about 1.635 million last year and had an ERA on the really wrong side of 4.
Here is something I read that was published on ‘THE PHILLIES FILES’:
Durbin, 32,earned $1.635 million in 2009. Although his numbers are a little down from 2008 (he had a 4.39 ERA in 59 games in 2009 compared to the 2.87 ERA he posted in 71 games in 2008), he’s still due for a raise. This isn’t someone the Phillies should neglect. He’s more valuable than many realize, especially considering he’s one of the few returning to a much-broken up bullpen.
You mean to tell me there isn’t a guy in the minors who can’t suck that bad for us at a lower price than 1.635 million dollars? Seriously? I don’t really think he was ever really that great. For the better part of his career, his ERA struggled to stay under 5. Many seasons saw Durbin pitching much worse than that. His career ERA eats my ass and I really don’t see why such a shitty overall player (for his career) sees a raise coming soon from 1.635 mill. That’s bananas. Sorry, Mr. THE PHILLIES FILES guy. I can’t agree with you here.
BTW… Everyone’s saying Lidge won’t be ready for the start of the season. Not that he’s been any good or anything, but who is going to be our closer come opening day? Madson? Holy shit.
Rest assured, the Wild Card winner won’t be from the NL East
Posted by Dickie Assburn in Ballplayer Lifestyle, Breaking News, Enemies, Free Agency, Mic'd Up, NL East Reviews, Playoffs and World Series, Trades on December 4th, 2009
I hate the beginning of a new season. It reminds me a lot of this sort of scenario:
You get a new job, and you’re low down in the company. Your co-workers are douchebags, and you can’t fucking wait to get a promotion. You get a promotion, and you leave those loser co-workers behind to work at the company’s corporate offices. Eventually, you become a CEO. Life is great, and you are on top.
And then? You get caught sending dirty text messages to some slutty bitch that works with you. She sells you out, and the fiscal year is over. You are forced to start back at the bottom with a new batch of douchebag co-workers. The grueling road back to the top pains you to think about, but unless you plan on committing suicide, you’re going to have to do it.
... like she didn't want it ...
For the last two years, we have reached the promised land. We’ve brought home the goods 50% of the time. We have a pretty good track record over this time span if I don’t say so myself! However, we’re forced to text the dirty co-worker every year. Before we know it, we’re sorting through the douchebag co-workers aka the NL East, just trying to find our way back to the top.
Here is a look at the shit we’ll probably have to deal with:
Washington Nationals: Rumor has it that they might be moving Adam Dunn. Did you really think he was going to stay there? I feel like they have to have the most awkward clubhouse in the world. What do those guys talk about? I feel like Zimmerman and Dunn just sit around and talk about what they’re going to buy with their money as a sort of brotherly code of suicide watch. You CAN’T have fun playing for this fucking team. They suck dick. I don’t care what Stephen Strasburg does with his life; they will be the joke of the division for years to come.
Adam Dunn in 30 years
Florida Marlins: Cheap ass fucking team. They’re trying to move their young ace and Dan Uggla (I always thought he was a little bitch, but in all honesty, you could do way worse at second base.) You have to question how much they want to win. They’re also rumored to be hanging Ricky Nolasco out there. Nick Johnson likely won’t be re-signed, and Jeremy Hermida was traded for some random prospects. I don’t know whether they plan on keeping Hanley Ramirez or not, but if they keep pulling shit like this, he’d have to be a DUMBASS to want to stay. I give him one more year until he demands a trade.
Atlanta Braves: They just signed two of the Red Sox’s (I’m an English major and I don’t even know how you’d express that) best relievers, so they are getting better. I just question what good that’s going to do when they still haven’t addressed their need for more offense. Chipper looked like he was breaking down last year, and I’m pretty sure he might not be around for much longer. Brian McCann is good, but they have nothing else. Their pitching is great, but it was last year, too. You can’t get by without offense, no matter how good your pitching is. You win the game by outscoring opponents – if you can’t score, you can’t win. Period.
"Big fish, right?! I know! I'ma fuck it later!"
New York Mets: Are we finally at the point where, going into the season, people don’t think it’s realistic to assume that the Mets will be a contender? I think we are. The Mets are a mess – even Mets fans will admit this. They have glaring needs for starting and relief pitchers. They have no first baseman, and lack 2/3 of a credible starting outfield (and the guy in right field sucks, too.) You ideally do not want Jeff Francoeur as your right fielder, just as you ideally do not want him to be the only confirmed member of your outfield, either. The Mets and their fans are fuming over the successes of the Yankees and Phillies, and will likely address this by doing what they always do: spending a lot of money, and falling flat on their asses. Expect them to make a strong push for John Lackey and/or Holliday/Bay.
Jayson Stark of ESPN reported that there may be a three-way deal that goes down including the Mets during the Winter Meetings. This deal would send Pat Burrell to the Mets (why do they think he wouldn’t throw the season?), Luis Castillo to the Cubs, and Milton Bradley to the Rays. I really don’t want to see Pat in the enemy uniform, but he may not have a choice. Let’s hope he strikes out everytime he plays us if this goes down.
If shit goes down, does Pat wear this logo? Or did this yuppie ruin it?
If this deal did happen, the Mets would reportedly attempt to quickly sign Orlando Hudson. They wouldn’t have to give up draft picks because the moron Dodgers didn’t offer him arbitration… ugh
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My point? The Phils have nothing to worry about. If we don’t surpass 100 wins, we clearly weren’t trying.
The Phillies have some spending decisions to make
Posted by Dickie Assburn in Coaching, Free Agency, General Thoughts, Mic'd Up, Phillies Rants on November 7th, 2009
Charlie: "I need the same exact players playing the same exact roles as they did last year, even if they are ineffective... Patrick, get back over here and start re-collecting your 14 million dollar yearly paychecks again, we need YOUU AHHHHMFKMAfsdff!!!!"
A lot of you have been talking about the Phillies’ current financial state in light of free agency/the offseason. Already we have seen Cliff Lee’s thrift-store-esque $9 million team option exercised. We have also seen, as stated in the last post, Brett Myers leave without a contract offer.
Amaro has stated that his payroll will be around 130-140 million dollars. We will likely see ourselves locked up for around $125-130 million before we sign any free agents/trade for someone. (Side note: we are paying those pieces of shit known as Geoff Jenkins and Adam Eaton a combined $2 million dollars this year… ugh)
Article of the Future: Charlie Manuel pleas with Ruben Amaro Jr. to bring back Adam Eaton in the interest of loyalty... HE PLAYED HERE IN 2008, WE NEED HIM!
A couple of things I’d like to point out/talk about (in no real order):
1. If Brad Lidge is fucking up, we need to deal for a new closer. I can’t do last season all over again. If he’s going to play like shit, we have to deal for a closer. Period. Fuck ‘loyalty,’ Charlie. I don’t want to hear it. There is no way IN HELL we can settle for 2009 Brad Lidge in 2010. For a team that wants to compete, that is retarded. I don’t think we can afford to sign a closer right now (we have Lidge signed to a big contract and you know they’re going to try their luck with him again because of it), but like I said, if he sucks again… we NEED to get someone to do that job during the season.
2. Victorino, Blanton, Ruiz, and Durbin will all likely see pay raises. Do I really think Durbin deserves a raise through arbitration after the shitty season he had? No, I don’t. Chooch was Senor Octubre, but over the course of the season, he wasn’t anything spectacular (not that I mind, just saying.) Blanton had a good year, and Shane deserves a raise — ‘no questions asked.’
"Son, I promise I'll be able to afford pants for you to wear once I get this raise..."
3. It would be a good idea to re-sign Scott Eyre and Chan Ho Park. Eyre is a great clubhouse guy that can get the job done out of the bullpen, and Chan Ho was great for us when he settled into his relief role. As long as they’re willing to come back at a reasonable asking price, I’m down.
4. We need a fucking bench – seriously. The problem is that the free agent pool seems to be full of players that are past their prime and will want to start, and guys who will want more than they’re worth (which is partly going to be due to a weak free agent crop.)
5. Regarding Pedro Feliz, Ruben Amaro Jr. said:
“He had a solid year for us,” Amaro said. “I like the man personally. He’s a great person, a great teammate, but I also believe in trying to improve and change can be for the better. It doesn’t necessarily mean we’re going to, but it’s something that we’ll look into.”
For the most part, I agree with this. While I don’t like Pedro Feliz, there aren’t many options available at third base. Kudos to Ruben for telling it like it is.
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This offseason:
Given the pay raises that we will likely see out of the guys we will actually keep, we’ll probably have $20 million to spend at the most. With that, we need to revamp our bench and fix our bullpen. Starting pitching is the next biggest concern, and then, lastly, we should address third base (the only part of our everyday lineup that I’m not satisfied with.)
The Phillies have a lot of guys that can be starting pitchers in the majors, but they do not have a lot of guys that would be good at it. In hindsight, Jamie Moyer should have gracefully retired after we won the World Series last year. I really don’t want him to be guaranteed a spot in the rotation on Opening Day, but I’m sure we all know that that’s going to be the case. We’re going to have to sit through him getting rocked for 5-10 starts before Drabek/Kendrick takes his place.
I’m oddly optimistic about Kyle Kendrick. He seemed to have better stuff when he came up late last season. What we do know about Drabek is that, even if he starts as a rookie and pitches for an ERA under 3 during the season, he won’t smell any playoff action, because it will be more important to pitch guys like Durbin and Madson (even if they put 10000000…00000…00000 runners on base per appearance… YOU MUST BE LOYAL. Fuck JA Happ. l8uh – cholly.)
YOU DID NOT PLAY MUCH LAST YEAR, SO YOU CANNOT PLAY THIS YEAR$@#@ LOL - Charlie Manuel (photo courtesy of thefightins.com)
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Past next season:
Not sure you get paid more or less for looking like Edge
The Phillies have Jimmy Rollins (club option), Ryan Howard, Brad Lidge, Raul Ibanez, Cole Hamels, Ryan Madson coming off of the books after the 2011 season. To me, it is very possible that none of these guys will be re-signed. Ryan Howard will get many offers from other teams that will overpay him for way too many years, and it will be hard for him to turn that down. I personally do not want Ryan Howard until he’s 40 years old, and you know someone’s going to offer to sign his checks until then… and pay him handsomely in the process. If Cole can get his head back on straight, we will probably do whatever we can to keep him, but if he doesn’t, I wouldn’t be surprised to see him walk, either.
It is important to keep in mind that we will need to re-sign Jayson Werth and Cliff Lee next year. Both are eligible for free agency at that time. Cliff Lee is going to want a LOT of money (the guy hasn’t gotten a good contract yet and he could very possibly be looking for something long term with a lot of zeroes.) We have Werth going into the last year of the extension we signed him to, and he’s making $7.5 million. In my opinion, I think we’ll see him ask for something in the ballpark of $12-13 million, maybe more. We have to decide if what he’s asking is worth it. He can do it all, but he’s not a young guy. He’ll be 31 next offseason, and I think negotiations will depend heavily on how many years he’s willing to accept. To me, he’s worth the money, and his body hasn’t seen as much wear-and-tear as a guy his age would have by now. Overall, the amount of games he has played in isn’t even the equivalent of 4 full seasons. He’s seen less action in the big leagues than the typical 30-year-old big leaguer, and that’s definitely a good thing.