Archive for category NL East Reviews
The “Fuck You” Signings
Posted by Dickie Assburn in Enemies, Free Agency, Mic'd Up, NL East Reviews on February 27th, 2010
I’m really glad my blogmates decided to stop hitting the slopes and start hitting the keyboard. PS – blogmates is a fag way of saying Bay Slugga and WTT, btw. The site was too empty with just one tiny little Dick.
It is with great pride that I announce that I am currently heading into my second year as a contributor (is that what you call people who write filth like the shit we post here?) on 4DR… or as you Yankees/Red Sox fans put it: my second year as a Phillies fan!
A couple of days ago, I noticed that that douchebag Rod Barajas signed with the Mets. Strangely, this was the Mets scariest offseason acquisition. Before you say anything, yes — I do remember that they signed Jason Bay. But he looks Hopper from A Bug’s Life? How can you be scared of that face?
Don't know what's worse: Bay's odds of finding a grasshopper to fuck in New York or Hopper's odds of being mentioned on any other baseball site
But anyway, back to Rod Barajas. He’s fucking pathetic. Do you know what he is? Do you want to know what he is? He’s not a grasshopper — no, he’s something much worse. He reminds me of the girl that went out with a guy once that didn’t treat her as good as she thought she deserved to be treated… so she started doing whatever she could to make the guy realize what he’s “missing out on,” up to and including: a) trying to make his life a living hell, and b) sleeping with his friends. You would think it’d piss the guy off, right? No, because the guy has moved on to bigger and better things… like reaching the World Series twice in two years.
I swear the guy is on a mission to kill the Phillies… but he’s irrelevant. Sure, he will piss you off when he randomly decides to go Joe Mauer on us, but there’s a reason why we all say “FUCKING ROD BARAJAS… WHAT THE FUCK” when it happens: he sucks. And now he signed with the Mets because he’s still pissed off that he can’t be with us, even though he’d try to leave the Mets in a second if we offered him a roster spot… poor girl.
Another “fuck you” signing? Billy Wagner. He claims he hates the Phillies and their fans so much, yet he keeps playing for teams that play us more than any other team in the majors. Pat Burrell was right: he really is a rat. Only a rat would keep going back to the well (the N.L. East) so many times for cheese even though it didn’t like the way it tasted the first time around. Did you see how much he freaked out when the Mets shipped him off to the Red Sox last year? Any other player would give up jerking off for a year if they had the opportunity to leave the Mets for the Red Sox… but not Billy. Look for him to tear his rotator cuff and sign an incentives-laden deal with the Gnats in the winter of 2011.
"Three words, y'all: fuck you"
Billy Wagner really didn’t need to sign in the N.L. East. He could’ve found work somewhere else… something I cannot say for Eric Bruntlett, who signed with the Gnats. That’s more of a “fuck ME” though, right?
He reminds me of Freddie Prinze Jr.’s career circa mid 90s-now. He was in these ‘really big at the time’ movies like I Know What You Did Last Summer, which was like, totally da bomb, and then he was part of I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, which was kind of big but wasn’t cutting it during that era… kinda like how the Phillies won, and then went back to the show, and lost. The correlation here is that Freddie Prinze Jr. got kicked out of stardom because people realized two things: a) the current formula wasn’t going to keep working, and b) he couldn’t act for shit. The Phillies realized: a) you can’t keep platooning Eric Bruntlett anywhere near a baseball diamond and expect to keep winning, and b) he couldn’t play baseball for shit. Therefore, ties were cut, and the once-was-our-own Berenstein bear is now somebody else’s problem.
Bruntlett would've played a better Fred, I swear
Rest assured, the Wild Card winner won’t be from the NL East
Posted by Dickie Assburn in Ballplayer Lifestyle, Breaking News, Enemies, Free Agency, Mic'd Up, NL East Reviews, Playoffs and World Series, Trades on December 4th, 2009
I hate the beginning of a new season. It reminds me a lot of this sort of scenario:
You get a new job, and you’re low down in the company. Your co-workers are douchebags, and you can’t fucking wait to get a promotion. You get a promotion, and you leave those loser co-workers behind to work at the company’s corporate offices. Eventually, you become a CEO. Life is great, and you are on top.
And then? You get caught sending dirty text messages to some slutty bitch that works with you. She sells you out, and the fiscal year is over. You are forced to start back at the bottom with a new batch of douchebag co-workers. The grueling road back to the top pains you to think about, but unless you plan on committing suicide, you’re going to have to do it.
... like she didn't want it ...
For the last two years, we have reached the promised land. We’ve brought home the goods 50% of the time. We have a pretty good track record over this time span if I don’t say so myself! However, we’re forced to text the dirty co-worker every year. Before we know it, we’re sorting through the douchebag co-workers aka the NL East, just trying to find our way back to the top.
Here is a look at the shit we’ll probably have to deal with:
Washington Nationals: Rumor has it that they might be moving Adam Dunn. Did you really think he was going to stay there? I feel like they have to have the most awkward clubhouse in the world. What do those guys talk about? I feel like Zimmerman and Dunn just sit around and talk about what they’re going to buy with their money as a sort of brotherly code of suicide watch. You CAN’T have fun playing for this fucking team. They suck dick. I don’t care what Stephen Strasburg does with his life; they will be the joke of the division for years to come.
Adam Dunn in 30 years
Florida Marlins: Cheap ass fucking team. They’re trying to move their young ace and Dan Uggla (I always thought he was a little bitch, but in all honesty, you could do way worse at second base.) You have to question how much they want to win. They’re also rumored to be hanging Ricky Nolasco out there. Nick Johnson likely won’t be re-signed, and Jeremy Hermida was traded for some random prospects. I don’t know whether they plan on keeping Hanley Ramirez or not, but if they keep pulling shit like this, he’d have to be a DUMBASS to want to stay. I give him one more year until he demands a trade.
Atlanta Braves: They just signed two of the Red Sox’s (I’m an English major and I don’t even know how you’d express that) best relievers, so they are getting better. I just question what good that’s going to do when they still haven’t addressed their need for more offense. Chipper looked like he was breaking down last year, and I’m pretty sure he might not be around for much longer. Brian McCann is good, but they have nothing else. Their pitching is great, but it was last year, too. You can’t get by without offense, no matter how good your pitching is. You win the game by outscoring opponents – if you can’t score, you can’t win. Period.
"Big fish, right?! I know! I'ma fuck it later!"
New York Mets: Are we finally at the point where, going into the season, people don’t think it’s realistic to assume that the Mets will be a contender? I think we are. The Mets are a mess – even Mets fans will admit this. They have glaring needs for starting and relief pitchers. They have no first baseman, and lack 2/3 of a credible starting outfield (and the guy in right field sucks, too.) You ideally do not want Jeff Francoeur as your right fielder, just as you ideally do not want him to be the only confirmed member of your outfield, either. The Mets and their fans are fuming over the successes of the Yankees and Phillies, and will likely address this by doing what they always do: spending a lot of money, and falling flat on their asses. Expect them to make a strong push for John Lackey and/or Holliday/Bay.
Jayson Stark of ESPN reported that there may be a three-way deal that goes down including the Mets during the Winter Meetings. This deal would send Pat Burrell to the Mets (why do they think he wouldn’t throw the season?), Luis Castillo to the Cubs, and Milton Bradley to the Rays. I really don’t want to see Pat in the enemy uniform, but he may not have a choice. Let’s hope he strikes out everytime he plays us if this goes down.
If shit goes down, does Pat wear this logo? Or did this yuppie ruin it?
If this deal did happen, the Mets would reportedly attempt to quickly sign Orlando Hudson. They wouldn’t have to give up draft picks because the moron Dodgers didn’t offer him arbitration… ugh
——————————
My point? The Phils have nothing to worry about. If we don’t surpass 100 wins, we clearly weren’t trying.
Placido Polanco close to becoming newest Phillie, more . . .
Posted by Dickie Assburn in Breaking News, Free Agency, NL East Reviews, Phillies Rants on December 3rd, 2009
Welcome back. Please surprise me and become an RBI machine... you won't
I really don’t mean be a brat… but I’m a brat. It’s in my blood. During the happiest of moments, I sometimes attempt to ruin them with a backhanded compliment, or some other sort of sarcasm.
Well, here it is: this signing doesn’t exactly excite me. That’s not sarcasm, and that’s not a backhanded compliment, but it’s how I feel. Placido Polanco has averaged about 60 RBIs a year over the course of his career. Last year, he BARELY played any third base. He’s 34-years-old and we are signing him to a 3-year deal worth $18 million dollars. Knowing the Phillies, that contract is probably back-loaded. We will be paying a 37-year-old Placido Polance probably about $8-9 million in the final year of his contract.
Regardless of the terms, it’s $6 million a year on average. You’re getting extreme unpredictability for $6 million a year over the next 3 years. He hit about .340 3 years ago, 2 years ago he hit .307, and then last year, he hit .285. Like I said before, we don’t get any younger at the position, and we’re asking a guy to be a full-time third baseman at age 34 when he hasn’t even played the position since 2005 (Placido Polanco Fielding Stats).
I never really liked Pedro Feliz. He was the glaring weak point in our offense, but he knew how to man the corner like few others. His seasonal RBI averages trump Polanco’s (pro-rated over his career, games played and at-bats ALL considered) and no one can seriously argue with me that he didn’t play an unrivaled third-base (at least unrivaled by Polanco.)
My point is that if this was the option we were looking at going in, why did we get rid of Pedro Feliz? I don’t really see the point. Pedro couldn’t hit, but he drove in runs. If you attribute Polanco’s failure to do so based on his playing with offensive teams that don’t match the caliber of the Phils’ unit, that argument is often overrated. Raul Ibanez played with shit for most of his career and mashed in a lot of runs. When he got to the Phils, he didn’t see any real improvement. Granted, he slowed down in the second half, but that’s baseball. I’m just saying: as far as the argument goes, it’s points are unfounded.
But I guess there are also good points. Polanco is apparently going to bat second behind Jimmy ‘kiss my dick’ Rollins. Carlos will probably get more RBIs with Shane Victorino batting in the 7-spot (that will be a very good 7-spot hitter, btw.) Polanco is more of a hit for average guy, so if he manages to get on base more than Victorino (I doubt he gets on base noticeably more), we could see a few more RBIs for Howard and Utley. I don’t know – I guess I was just hoping for Figgins/Beltre. I figured if we got Polanco, we might be looking at a DeRosa/Polanco double-signing, but I don’t think we have enough money anymore.
Juan Castro doesn’t excite me. Brian Schneider – meh, could’ve done worse, I guess.
On to the bullpen, I suppose. This isn’t exactly what I’d call a great offseason so far. We better get some quality relievers, or we might not back it back in the NL.
In other news:
"The bitch is back"
Our favorite head-up-ass weasel, Billy Wagner, has squirmed his way back into our lives. I guess he thinks it’s okay to come back to the NL East now that Pat the Bat is gone. I’m sure Pat thought about railing his wife once… but eventually realized she’d probably make his dick taste like baked beans (that’s all they eat at the hickville Wagner residence).
If you are salivating over this image, you are a complete piece of shit.
The Braves signed him to a one-year deal to serve as the replacement rat on the team.
Rat Faced Bastard aka Jeff Francoeur
Thankfully, the offseason is finally starting to heat up. The sports fanboy portion of my life has been REALLY boring without baseball.
The Flyers openly don’t give a shit, the Sixers just signed Allen Iverson (all signs point to NBA suicide), and the Eagles have more concussions than a group of girls that got skull-fucked by Ron Jeremy.
Spring training can’t come sooner.
Game One Summary
Posted by Dickie Assburn in Ballplayer Lifestyle, Game Summaries, NL East Reviews, Playoffs and World Series on October 8th, 2009
Need I say more? Give it up for CLIFF LEE, everybody!!!
NL East Review 8/24 – 8/31
Posted by Bay Slugga in NL East Reviews on August 31st, 2009
Braves: The Atlanta Braves (68-62) suffered a blow to their playoff chances with a rough week. The Padres came into Atlanta and took two of three from the Braves, which included a 12-5 beating during the second game. The Braves didn’t have much better luck in Philadelphia this weekend either, as they again dropped two of three to the fightins.
The thing that really pisses me off about the entire Braves team is how they bitch about the park.
“OMG Howard is just fat, and he plays in a high school field.”
Bobby Cox also likes to use Turner Field as an excuse for sucking.
“We lost, but that fly ball in the 9th would have been a HR in that little-league field in Philadelphia.”
Here is some advice for you – shut the fuck up and play. Stop whining and bitching like Cole Hamels faggots and play the damn game. It isn’t as if the walls suddenly move in when the Phillies’ are up to bat, so stop using it as a excuse for getting your ass handed to you.
Marlins: The Florida Marlins (68-62) didn’t fair much better than the Braves this week. Just as everyone else does, the Marlins managed to take two of three from the Binghamton Mets during the week, but dropped two of three to those pesky Padres this weekend. After another tough outing, the 22-year-old Volstad was optioned down to Triple-A – so much for that “young and dangerous” rotation ESPN raved about.
Mets: It seems like every week I have another major injury to report about the Mets in this column, and this week is no different. Where do I start?
Johan Santana – Elbow Surgery
“Frenchy” – Fucked up thumb. Pussy.
There is, however, a sliver of good news for Mets fans– Jeff Wilpon probably needs to sell the team this offseason! Ponzi Schemes!
In baseball related news, the Mets dropped a series to both the Marlins and Cubs, and now sit 17.5 games out. You gotta believe!
Nationals: Nothing to see here, move along.
NL East Review 8/10 – 8/16
Posted by Bay Slugga in NL East Reviews on August 17th, 2009
Marlins: The Florida Marlins (63-55) continued their hot play this week, going 5-2 against Houston and Colorado. The Marlins currently sit at 4.5 games back in the NL East, and 2 games back in the tight Wild Card. A road trip will begin on Tuesday when the Fish fly into Houston for a three game series, and then to Atlanta for the weekend. Considering the other wild card teams’ schedules for this week, look for the Marlins to take over the Giants and Rockies.
The Marlins extended their streak of games with 10+ hits on Sunday, which has now reached 13 straight. Florida is the first team since 1999 to accomplish this feat. The record for consecutive games with 10+ hits was set in 1925 by the Cleveland Indians. Who can name someone off their roster? Pedro Cerrano? Nah, too young. Eddie Harris? More likely.
Braves: The Atlanta Braves (61-56) only played five games this week – two against the Nationals and three against the Phillies. They Braves managed to keep their playoff hopes alive by not getting swept (and shitting on Brad Lidge), but still have a steep mountain to climb to get into the playoffs. The Braves have a tough stretch ahead of them in August which features ten out of fourteen games against division opponents.
The final two weeks of August will be a real test for the Braves. For any hope of the playoffs, the Braves have to play way above their heads the final month and a half. It is a possibility the Braves could be a non factor on September 1st, but Baseball Prospectus still thinks the Braves have a decent shot, as it lists them as having a 36% chance of making the playoffs.
Mets: The New York Mets are 55-62, which is good for 4th place in the NL East. Let that statement sink in for a minute or two – doesn’t it feel good? I thoroughly enjoy any despair that can be had at the expense of the Met’s organization/media/fan base, and seeing the Mets 12 games out really makes me feel niiiiccceeeee.
I’m all for Mets being on the disabled list because they slipped down the dugout steps, or they broke their hands during an intricate choreographed handshake, but seeing David Wright getting drilled in the skull is tough to watch.
Nationals: Um, the Nationals are like 11-4 this month. WTF?