This is a time to be happy! Fuck yeah, d00d! So, with that said, enough of this shit:

… because:

a) Recording shit that happens on your TV via your VHS player and later uploading it to YouTube is white trash.

b) If you own a Hibachi TV, you are white trash.

c) It’s fucking SPRING TRAINING — the time where Phillies fans get to bask in the glory of things like:

• The battle over who wins the #5 starter job, who settles for the middle relief job and who takes the #5 starter spot a month and a half into the season after the guy that originally won it gets a bad case of elbow tendonitis
• Overrating our own prospects because they hit homeruns off of the other team’s 30-year-old, stuck-forever-in-Triple-A starting pitcher (I’m being a jackass, but it was cool pretending at one point last year that Jason Donald was going to be ‘the man’ some day)
• Watching Domonic Brown pwn bitches like it ain’t no thang

I want to talk about something positive for a moment: Kyle Kendrick is kicking ass so far. I know it’s early, but I’ve heard that he’s worked on some new pitches, he’s built some confidence, and according to Chooch, he’s like a totally new pitcher out there. We have a very, very solid top-4 in our rotation, but I think if Kendrick can put it all together (or at least most of it), it would be awesome. So far, he’s pitched five scoreless innings on two outings. It’s early, as I said, but it’s promising.

Like I said: confident.... wait, wrong picture LOL

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One of the major topics this off-season was the fact that Jayson Werth has ridiculously outplayed his current contract and will be able to make in the neighborhood of $15-18 million per season next year.  It is very likely that the Phillies will be unable to keep him and Ryan Howard at the same time due to budgetary contraints, so Werth would be the odd-man out. 

"I can strut however the fuck I want brah. I'm hitting .538, check the mohawk."

Domonic Brown, the Phillies’ hot-shot outfield prospect, plans on making you say “Who cares?”  As Todd Zolecki reports on Twitter, the kid is hitting a scorching .538 through (7 for 13) with two doubles and four RBIs during his first four Grapefruit League games.  That’s the type of shit that makes my prostate tingle.

Without getting too far ahead of ourselves, we’ve all got to admit that this is a good sign.  At this point in the pre-season, the pitchers are often further ahead in their development than the hitters are.  Players like Jayson Werth and Ryan Howard are mainly quiet at the plate thus far.  Domonic Brown is trying to make a name for himself, and his plate appearances have done just that.

Whether or not the Phillies can afford Werth next year remains to be seen.  What we have seen, however, is that there’s a five-tool stud waiting in the wings.  It’ll be interesting to see how all of this plays out.

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Can anyone else smell that? It's just Jose's vagina.

Anyone notice that Jose Reyes has been scratched from the last two Grapefruit League games? This was all downplayed yesterday (classic Mets), but it turns out Jose has something wrong with his vagina…I mean thyroid. Same thing right?

The worst part of this is that Reyes is headed back to New York to get checked out by team doctors. I’d expect a story to break in the next week that the Met’s doctors misdiagnosed poor Jose – what they thought was a thyroid imbalance is actually AIDS. Maybe he should use some discretion while partying at his favorite Latin lounge?

No way Jose!

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Pedro Feliz would HAVE got four outs on this play.

Since we are in the business of making a huge deal about Spring Training games, allow me to say what everyone is thinking – Placido Polanco sucks balls. In the most meaningful game of his career, Halladay came out a mowed down the Yankees with ease. It would HAVE been a flawless outing (23 pitches, 20 strikes = Boner Jams), but Polanco fucked it up with a throwing error. Shame on you Placido, shame on you indeed.

In all seriousness, I think we all expect a few more E5s in the boxscore this season. Polanco’s value will be seen in his role in the number two hole, where he has a chance to a be a very productive table setter for Utley and Howard. Pedro Feliz was downright painful to watch at the plate, and no amount a defensive (or lack there of) will make me miss him. Adios!

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And besides, this year I’m going to be a man of logical and rational thinking. There’s no need to jump to conclusions; thus, let’s apply my calm and collected analysis to this initial examination of Phillippe Aumont, the newly acquired centerpiece of the Cliff Lee deal.

A calm and collected man like myself knows there’s no way that one can make any comparison between Cliff Lee and what this kid projects to be in 2012 if/when he gets to the big club. It’s insane, unfair, and completely unrealistic. Aumont will probably be an average to slightly above average Major League pitcher, so to say it was stupid to trade Lee for Aumont is ridiculous. It was about dumping salary and if Aumont materializes then that’s a bonus.

See how sane and rational I’m being?

Okay, sorry. I tried.

Nice job there, kid.

What the fuck, Phillippe Aumont? 

Let’s take a look at tonight’s line from Young Phil:

3 walks, 2 hits, and 5 earned runs in…TWO-THIRDS OF A FUCKING INNING? Really?

Look, I’m not asking for this guy to go out and be Cliff Lee. I’m not evening asking for him to be Kyle Drabek, but what the the Hell? You have to give me a little bit more than that line against a fucking college team. I wonder if the task of stopping the Florida State Seminoles seemed too daunting of a task, or if the electric March atmosphere of Bright House Networks Field and its 4,192 raucous fans was simply overwhelming for the young right-hander. After the game, Aumont had this to say:

You want to get that first impression out there. And you have that small pressure that’s behind you that you got traded for Cliff Lee. You want to do good. You don’t want to disappoint, especially the fans. Fans are a big part in this. If I look at me right now, this is over. But I want to do good, just give the fans some support.

My advice? Whatever, man. Stop being a pussy and get it done.

Certainly, one shitty performance in March doesn’t hold too much weight in trying to project what this kid will be, but hopefully there was absolutely nothing about his showing tonight that’s indicative of his future with this team.

I just can’t wait until the games really count. If we don’t beat the Yankees tomorrow we’re definitely going to suck this year!

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If you think you have what it takes then feel free to challenge me to a game. I play under the name “ectomobile” (Ghostbusters is fucking sweet too), and I’m waiting to layeth the smacketh down on you.

A few things I should make clear before we play:

1. I will be playing as the Phillies, and you will not.

2. Roy Halladay will be pitching a CG shutout to the tune of 15 strikeouts and 75 pitches.

3. If you beat me I’ll ban your IP from 4DR, and blame all the Phillies 2010 problems on you.

That's actually me, Bay Slugga

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Before I pretend that anything Greg Dobbs says matters: why does this show up when you google 'greg dobbs'? hahaha

No – there are no typos in the subject. What I wrote is what I meant. After doing a lot of less important shit, like mailing out my resume to a bunch of places hoping to get an internship for this summer, I looked up the Phillies news for the day… only to see Greg Dobbs bitching about his playing time. What’s worse is that the guy reporting on it, Matt Gelb, didn’t call his bluff and state in his article that Greg Dobbs has lost his fucking mind. Here are the excerpts of Gelb’s articles that just did not make ANY sense to me…

The hardest part, he said, was accepting the diminished role. With Ryan Howard and Pedro Feliz entrenched in their starting spots, plus little playing time to be had in the corner outfield positions, there just wasn’t room for Dobbs – and he couldn’t duplicate his success.

Ideally, Dobbs said, he needs at least 200 at-bats to avoid a season like 2009.

See — that right there is exactly why I would never want to be a real sports journalist. It would mean I’d have to put up with hearing ludicrous shit like that coming out of the mouth of the resident pinch hitter.

What is a pinch hitter, anyway? Oh yeah — it’s a guy that sits on his ass pretty much everyday and then gets off of it to swing a fucking bat in the 7th inning when the pitcher starts sucking too bad/gets tired. People say DHs are lazy as shit, but pinch hitters? Wow — that’s a-whole-nother level of ‘not moving.’

Just in case you wanted to see a direct quote, here it is, straight from the ass’ soul-patch:

“It’s tough to put up good numbers if you’re not getting at-bats,” said Dobbs, 31. “It just is. And not that it’s an excuse. It’s just the way it is.”

"I think I'm going to strike out here... Only because I don't see why Ryan Howard gets to bat most of the time instead of me."

Yeah — that’s not an excuse at all… except that it is. You’re clearly here to do nothing but pinch hit, and you fucking sucked at it. In fact, as the article states, he “hit .167 as a pinch-hitter,” and his at-bats “went from 226 to 154.” What am I missing here? He committed an epic fail at trying to reach the Mendoza line as a pinch hitter, and still managed to amass 154 at-bats because our only options were an old man with a beer belly and a little fuzzy guy that defined the word “irony” when he somehow: a) sucked, and b) made a triple-play. Now he wants more at-bats when we finally figured out that we need some resemblance of a bench to succeed?! Get the fuck out of here…

Anymore nonsense like this, and Dobbs will be back to hanging out with losers again

Oh, and I’m filing this under “Miscellaneous Rants” because Greg Dobbs is irrelevant… He does not deserve “Phillies Rant” status, unless he takes this utter and complete bullshit of an attitude onto the baseball field. Boo-ya, bitch! Take that!

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Aumont was drafted as a starter by the Mariners, but was moved to the bullpen in order to quicken his road to the show and alleviate the stress on his throwing shoulder. Since he was acquired by the Phillies, it has been reported that Aumont will be shifted back into the rotation in the minors. I’m in agreement with the Phillies on this one – this is the right move.

While Aumont’s value may be as a late inning reliever, it is important for him to throw as many innings as possible in the minors to polish his stuff. I would say that it isn’t outside the realm of possibility that Aumont is a September call up to fill out the bullpen, and a minor league season of 140ish innings could be great preparation for the kid.

Whether Aumont is a starter or a reliever moving forward, I’m confident in his abilities to have an impact with the club within the next few years. A fastball that touches the upper 90’s paired with a diving slider could make Aumont the favorite to take over Lidge’s closing duties a few years from now. Until then, I’ll be excited to check out the Reading boxscores every 5th day and see how my large Canadian is doing.

If there was any doubt to the kind of stuff Philly has (haha get it?), check out this video.

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And he better be fucking great, too, because I’ve heard enough of the “but we could have kept Cliff Lee, too” talk to last me a lifetime.  I would have been on board with that decision, but it is what it is, so we’ve got to get over it.  Roy Halladay is here now, and Cliff Lee is just going to “have to make the best of it in Seattle.”  He said it – not me.  Sound bitter?

If Roy Halladay sucks even a little bit, the talk about Cliff Lee is going to annoy the shit out of me.  If the Phillies are pretty good with Roy but not the NL’s dominant team in the first half of the season, the talk about Cliff Lee is also going to annoy the shit out of me.  Roy Halladay needs to be great, and the Phillies need to follow suit.  Now let’s talk expectations.

Often times, when a big player moves to a new team and everybody gets excited, the expectations for said player are through the roof.  I’m hearing people act like it’s a given that Roy Halladay will win 20 games and have a sub-3.00 ERA.  Phillies fans need to back down a little bit and give him some time to settle in before making such demands of the talented pitcher.  He’ll be good for us, but we all need to take a step back and let him fall into a groove.  If he can put 15-16 wins on the board and give you somewhere around a 3.5 ERA, that can’t be looked at as anything other than a greatly successful season.

I’m kidding of course.  This fucking guy better sit people down more often than diarrhea.  Roy Halladay has been setting the tone since pitchers and catchers reported, and his work ethic is a huge part of the reason he’s been so successful through his career.  I expect that to continue, and I expect it to show.  Anything less than 20 wins and I will be part of the charade of assclowns writing hate-mail to Ruben Amaro about the fuck-up of 2009.  If we’re not seeing Halladay give us the 3.0 ERA that every other one of our starting pitchers is incapable of producing, I’m unhappy.

There’s a reason why people get paid at the top of their profession – in this case, $20 million a year.  Ryan Howard gets paid the big bucks to hit the long ball and drive in big runs.  Roy Halladay is being compensated similarly so that he can throw his heavy sinker and test our ground crew’s ability to eliminate the bad hops for Jimmy and Chase. 

I’d like to say that in about 4 weeks, we’ll all watch and evaluate him together – but you and I both know that we’re going to hang on his every pitch against the Yankees in the first MLB Spring Training competition of the year.  It might be insignificant to some, but 4DaysRest exists for the rest of us idiots.

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See, usually this would piss me off. I wanted to react with the old, “Oh, you’re too fucking good for our team? Had to take more money from the fucking YANKEES? Asshole.” But then, as I watched “1.2 million dollars” scroll across the screen I simply said, “What the fuck?”

I'm not sure if greed is a deadly sin, but if you have really stupid financial advisors and agents, then it definitely is.

For the last few months, I’ve been wondering why the Hell Chan Ho Park wasn’t a part of the Phillies’ 2010 plans. Charlie Manuel spoke about durability issues, which was uncharacteristic for the usually protective manager. Still, Park was excellent after being moved from the rotation and seemed like a logical fit for a team needing help in solidifying its bullpen. So, let’s take a look at exactly how this played out.

1. Phillies offer $3 million dollars.

2. Chan Ho Park’s people say ” no thanks.”

3. Ruben Amaro says “fuck you.”

4. Chan Ho Park’s people wait for a better offer.

5. That offer never comes.

6. Park signs with Yankees for just over $1 million.

The only thing we don’t know at this point is whether or not Park’s people called Ruben Amaro back sometime in January with contrition, offering massages, manicures, and free “happy-ending” coupons in return for that initial offer.

A special 4DR Welcome to Jose Contreras and Friends!

We do know, however, that the Phillies had moved on by the time Park had lowered his demands and now the Phillies can only hope that the additions of Dennys Baez and Jose Contreras will fill the hole left by the departure of Chan Ho Park.

And we also know that Chan Ho Park’s people fucked this one up.

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