Posts Tagged chase utley
Lest We Forget
Posted by Dickie Assburn in Enemies, Free Agency, General Thoughts, Playoffs and World Series on January 27th, 2010
Off-season baseball writing sucks dick. No one gives enough of a fuck to read any of it, the writers resort to talking about hypothetical signings and trades, and everyone essentially shits themselves trying to keep their job in a mostly dead market.
Well, I don’t get paid, I don’t give a fuck about ‘good journalism’, and I think hypothetical trades are stupid.
I realized today that I forgot about Ben Francisco. I also forgot about Greg Dobbs. Whenever I think about the Phillies throughout the day, I usually just think of our pitching. What I think about is pretty typical, like “why did the Phillies sign Jose Contreras?” The Phillies pitching staff is starting to look like a retirement home.
From left to right: Contreras, Moyer... and uh... I guess I exagerrated a bit
Ben Francisco went 0-for-11 during the postseason. Who does that? Honestly? I must admit that I was very surprised the Phils got as far as they did. NO ONE could hit off the bench. Francisco flat-lined, and I frequently forgot that Dobbs still played for us. Stairs was a drunken waste of a bench spot. Hopefully Gload can help us out in that department, because we really need it. When it stopped being fun to say “Ben Frann-cisss-cooo,” I decided it was time to suggest that we throw batteries at him a la J.D. Drew.
My Super Sweet 2010 Season
BTW… how is Durbin making over 2 million dollars this year? I know I wrote about this already, but come ON. He sucked!
Chase announced that he’s going to be more willing to take breaks during the season than he has been in the past. If he can do this effectively (and by that, I mean doing it to the team’s and his advantage) then I will be happy with that. Chase has a distinct history of trying to play through/hide injuries and he’s clearly a huge part of our team.
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The Yankees signed Randy Winn today, who will likely spell the end of Johnny Damon’s time with the team. I think moves like these make baseball interesting from year to year. The lost Cabrera and Damon but gained Granderson and Winn. As far as offensive production, it’s a wait-and-see game this season for the Yanks. Granderson hasn’t played on teams that are as offensively gifted as the Yankees in the past, but he’s seen production similar to Damon’s over the course of his career. The difference is that he doesn’t bat in as many runs and he hasn’t been doing that for as long. The batting average is pretty inconsistent (last year it sucked), but he does have some power in his bat. I say he could top out around 82 RBIs, but I’d probably bet on less.
Offensively, I doubt they skip a beat by losing Damon. Sure – he had a good playoffs, but I don’t think he ever made/broke a team he was on. He’s always been a ‘pretty good’ player. However, I still hate that monkey-looking motherfucker about as much as I hate Pedro Feliz. I hope he signs with some shitty ass team in the AL so I don’t have to see him too much. If he and Pedro Feliz fucked, they’d make the most monkey-looking children ever created… and we all know Pedro would deliver it.
I found this on the net... it really captures how much of a bitch Pedro is
Placido Polanco close to becoming newest Phillie, more . . .
Posted by Dickie Assburn in Breaking News, Free Agency, NL East Reviews, Phillies Rants on December 3rd, 2009
Welcome back. Please surprise me and become an RBI machine... you won't
I really don’t mean be a brat… but I’m a brat. It’s in my blood. During the happiest of moments, I sometimes attempt to ruin them with a backhanded compliment, or some other sort of sarcasm.
Well, here it is: this signing doesn’t exactly excite me. That’s not sarcasm, and that’s not a backhanded compliment, but it’s how I feel. Placido Polanco has averaged about 60 RBIs a year over the course of his career. Last year, he BARELY played any third base. He’s 34-years-old and we are signing him to a 3-year deal worth $18 million dollars. Knowing the Phillies, that contract is probably back-loaded. We will be paying a 37-year-old Placido Polance probably about $8-9 million in the final year of his contract.
Regardless of the terms, it’s $6 million a year on average. You’re getting extreme unpredictability for $6 million a year over the next 3 years. He hit about .340 3 years ago, 2 years ago he hit .307, and then last year, he hit .285. Like I said before, we don’t get any younger at the position, and we’re asking a guy to be a full-time third baseman at age 34 when he hasn’t even played the position since 2005 (Placido Polanco Fielding Stats).
I never really liked Pedro Feliz. He was the glaring weak point in our offense, but he knew how to man the corner like few others. His seasonal RBI averages trump Polanco’s (pro-rated over his career, games played and at-bats ALL considered) and no one can seriously argue with me that he didn’t play an unrivaled third-base (at least unrivaled by Polanco.)
My point is that if this was the option we were looking at going in, why did we get rid of Pedro Feliz? I don’t really see the point. Pedro couldn’t hit, but he drove in runs. If you attribute Polanco’s failure to do so based on his playing with offensive teams that don’t match the caliber of the Phils’ unit, that argument is often overrated. Raul Ibanez played with shit for most of his career and mashed in a lot of runs. When he got to the Phils, he didn’t see any real improvement. Granted, he slowed down in the second half, but that’s baseball. I’m just saying: as far as the argument goes, it’s points are unfounded.
But I guess there are also good points. Polanco is apparently going to bat second behind Jimmy ‘kiss my dick’ Rollins. Carlos will probably get more RBIs with Shane Victorino batting in the 7-spot (that will be a very good 7-spot hitter, btw.) Polanco is more of a hit for average guy, so if he manages to get on base more than Victorino (I doubt he gets on base noticeably more), we could see a few more RBIs for Howard and Utley. I don’t know – I guess I was just hoping for Figgins/Beltre. I figured if we got Polanco, we might be looking at a DeRosa/Polanco double-signing, but I don’t think we have enough money anymore.
Juan Castro doesn’t excite me. Brian Schneider – meh, could’ve done worse, I guess.
On to the bullpen, I suppose. This isn’t exactly what I’d call a great offseason so far. We better get some quality relievers, or we might not back it back in the NL.
In other news:
"The bitch is back"
Our favorite head-up-ass weasel, Billy Wagner, has squirmed his way back into our lives. I guess he thinks it’s okay to come back to the NL East now that Pat the Bat is gone. I’m sure Pat thought about railing his wife once… but eventually realized she’d probably make his dick taste like baked beans (that’s all they eat at the hickville Wagner residence).
If you are salivating over this image, you are a complete piece of shit.
The Braves signed him to a one-year deal to serve as the replacement rat on the team.
Rat Faced Bastard aka Jeff Francoeur
Thankfully, the offseason is finally starting to heat up. The sports fanboy portion of my life has been REALLY boring without baseball.
The Flyers openly don’t give a shit, the Sixers just signed Allen Iverson (all signs point to NBA suicide), and the Eagles have more concussions than a group of girls that got skull-fucked by Ron Jeremy.
Spring training can’t come sooner.
I am ashamed of Cole Hamels.
Posted by Dickie Assburn in Free Agency, Game Summaries, Phillies Rants, Playoffs and World Series on November 1st, 2009
What the FUCK is wrong with you?
2008 Cole Hamels showed up for a brief moment. Remember the guy who didn’t give a shit about what the other team did? Remember the guy that didn’t have any endorsement deals, and showed poise on the mound? Remember the guy that was touted as one of the most mature and talented young pitchers in the game today? Remember the guy…
that wouldn’t have fucking SUCKED on a night like last night?
What is his problem? He’s turned into a little sissy bratty bitch. When something doesn’t go his way, he throws temper tantrums visibly on the mound, and completely gives up. Charlie says he would never question his “mental toughness.” Well guess what, Charlie: if you’re too little of a man to do it, I will. Cole, you’ve let everything go to your head, and you expect everything to be easy. You think you are God’s gift to the earth, and that’s partly because we all led you to believe you were after you led us down Broad Street last year… but you are now representing everything that Philadelphia sports should NEVER be.
Oh, and aside from being completely full of yourself, it also turns out that you are a complete dumbass:
“There won’t be any Game 7 if we lose Game 3,” Hamels had said Friday. Quickly doing the math, he laughed. “Well, there could be … sorry,” he said. “I already sunk our ship. No, you have to focus one game at a time, and so that’s kind of — Game 3 is —- where I’m at.”
You are a high-maintenance pussy who pees himself and blames everyone else for his poor bladder control. You SUCK now. Period.
Ryan Howard and Chase Utley have completely lost their confidence. J-Roll talks a big game, but I see a complacent man out on that field. Victorino swung at the shittiest pitches known to man last night, and just looks on with this stupid, blank look on his face anymore.
What happened to the team that made us proud? What happened to the team that had CONFIDENCE and COMPOSURE? The only two C’s we’ll be seeing tonight will be in the form of C.C. Sabathia, who gets the luxury of pitching against Joe Blanton. Who knew it would be more important to make sure Cliff Lee doesn’t hurt himself (a guy we’ll likely only have for one more season) than it would be to try and prevent us from going down 3-1 (which could very well happen unless the Phils light the Yankees up for 8-9 runs tonight.)
Sure, that video camera being there was ridiculous. It should never interfere with gameplay. I’d rather them outrule us ever seeing that angle than have it turn a ball that quite possibly might not have been a home run into a 2-run shot. The point? It was there, it WAS a 2-run homerun, and it opened up the floodgates to even bigger problems.
Jayson Werth and Carlos Ruiz: I feel bad for you guys. Your teammates don’t want to help you win games anymore. Try to keep your heads up.
We got our asses handed to us last night. Kudos to the Yankees for clubbing around Cole’s high school level curveball for base hits and home runs. We need a big turn around tonight, or we’ll be sulking in the shit of what could’ve been for a long, long time.
Concrete Jungle Where Dreams Are Madeee… Up.
Posted by Dickie Assburn in Enemies, Game Summaries, Playoffs and World Series on October 29th, 2009
You know you're a douchebag when you still airbrush shit and think it's cool... Airbrushing died with Aaliyah and her ghetto ass 'RIP mami' tshirts everyone got made up... Get with the times.
Bay Slugga is tired.
And by tired, I mean wacking off all over his toilet seat.
So I, Dickie Assburn, will be doing the postgame commentary.
AND may I start by saying… FUCK YES!!!
Want to see how easy it is? I’d show you, but I know a guy who is probably a lot better suited at doing the job…
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"I'd try... if someone made me."
What went down: Step one in proving the ‘experts’ wrong went pretty GOD DAMN WELL. Cliff Lee dominated the New York Yankees like they were the Washington Gnats. It didn’t look challenging for a second – seriously. He was not fazed by anything the “Bronx Bombers” threw at him… which was mostly nothing. Chase Utley kicked fucking ass, launching two long balls into the soon-to-be-empty seats at the brand spanking new Yankee Stadium. The big hitters for the Yankees didn’t do SHIT, and A-Rod looked a lot like that little bitch we saw for… well… mostly his entire career. You struck out three times, and I’m pretty sure that means you’ll be sucking Kate’s dick tonight. Furthermore, New York yuppies who attended the game (which had far too many empty seats at every point during the game) started to leave in great volume around the 7th inning. You would think that wouldn’t be the case, considering how ‘fuuhhhckinnn proud they are’ of their team, and considering that it’s only game one. But hey, I guess I just don’t understand. I guess they stopped selling Heineken at that point? Well, at least the miniscule amount of real fans you guys have had no problem getting out of the parking lot, right?
What I liked: Chase and Cliff don’t fit in here. To say that I liked them would be a smack in the face to those guys. I’m going to talk about Jimmy Rollins’ GENIUS fucking play that got both Cano and Matsui (a jackass) out. Seriously, that’s one of the only times I’ve seen a black man out-duel a China-man during a battle of the minds. It’s only a matter of time before Jimmy hits one out of the park, by the way. I’d say he’s due. He hit two really hard ones tonight that were almost fair. He also ran the bases really well, and kept some of their crappy relievers off balance with his tomfoolery in the area. Great game, J-Roll.
Werth showed some great plate discipline that I was really wanting to see from him in earning two walks tonight. Ryan, although you struck out twice, you still walked away with a RBI, and batted .400. Batting .400 is fantastic for anyone during these playoffs, but for you now a days, it’s pretty “meh…” That is how much you kick ass. You are on a hot streak. Slay the Yankees and beat Kate Hudson with your black dick all the way down Broad Street, big guy.
What pissed me off: Ruben Amaro Jr.’s big kosher pickle Jew erect dick kept poking me in the eye during the seventh inning stretch. He lost his boner after he heard that crazy bitch’s voice that was singing, but got it back up when he realized that CLIFF LEE, his gem of an acquisition, was still shitting all over the YANKS… yeah da YANKS brah!!! (end shitty New York lingo)… deep into the 8th inning.
Raul, I’m sorry, I know you had 2 RBIs, but you left wayyyy too many runners on base. I know you’re playing hurt, but you really need to step it up. We love you, but you better start raging out into Pharaoh’s Fury more often when you have the luxury of 80 zillion runners on base everytime you get up to bat.
Pedro Feliz – you are fucking pathetic. I wish more people knew how to effectively play 3rd base… because you make too much to hit too little. Your defense is still good, but you can’t hit worth shit. I’m sorry, but if the clinching game comes around, and we clearly have it won, and you suddenly suffer a career ending injury… I might giggle.
Jimmy – you’re not completely off the hook. Replicate a ‘Chase Utley throw into no man’s land’ again and I will piss on you.
Now what: Game 2 a.k.a. when most YANKS FANZ will stop watching. “Wait bra is this a YANKS game or a HOV concert broski? I dno but either way let’s leave around ten, the club awaits and my hair ain’t gonna impress itself tonight.”
You will all come to see him... and then, you will leave.
Reasons Why Chase Might LOVE The Dugout
Posted by Dickie Assburn in Mic'd Up, Miscellaneous Rants, Playoffs and World Series on October 17th, 2009
1) He might be trying to take on the role of the angry pitcher that beams the batter when his team gets pissed… except he tries to throw it at the batter on his way to first base?
2) He wanted to show Cole that he’ll do whatever he wants, and that he doesn’t care what Cole thinks about it.
3) He felt really bad that Eric Bruntlett never plays anymore, and wanted to act out like a brat because of it… unfortunately, Charlie left him in the game.
4) He wanted to really test our relief pitchers.
OR…
This is what probably happened, honestly.
Un-Fucking-beLEEvable
Posted by Bay Slugga in Game Summaries, Playoffs and World Series on October 13th, 2009
What went down: The Phillies put the NLDS on ice last night with one of the most exciting games I have ever seen, and continue their journey towards a World Fucking Championship. Cliff Lee was stellar through seven innings, as he held the Rockies to one run until a Rollins error would let in two more. Ryan Madson let the Phillies lead slip through his grasp in relief of Lee, but the team picked him up in the top of the 9th. With runners on first and second and two outs, the Big Piece, Ryan Howard strode to the plate and received his wish to bat.
Just get me to the plate, boys!
Howard delivered on his promise and plated Victorino and Utley on a double to right – the game was now tied. Jayson Werth wasted no time in sending Howard home and Huston Street to the showers. Aided by two outs from the indestructible Scott Eyre, Brad Lidge struck out Troy Tulowitzki to send the Fightins’ to Los Angeles.
I swing a big dick.
What I liked: Ryan Howard, the Big Piece. You had a monster series, and the scary part is that you haven’t even hit your stride yet. You are one of the few players in this league capable of carrying a team with your dick stick, and the NLCS is going to be your launching pad. Keep it up, dawg. Oh, yea, you hit .375 in this series? Seriously? That is stupid.
Cliff Lee. You were amazing again, Cliff. Even though the Rockies had seen you earlier in the week, you went out there and did your thing. An effective formula of mixing up your pitches and giving the hitters different looks allowed you to cruise into the 8th inning. The error by Rollins was a tough one (interference should of been called), and Madson couldn’t hang on to the W for you.
Chase Utley. I don’t give you enough props on here, Chase. You played excellent defense, and you are an absolute presence at the plate. You were the key hitter in 9th when you worked a tough walk off of Street, and little things like that can go overlooked when big black dudes are launching clutch doubles. Did you even show some emotion when you scored the tying run? Gasp, shame on you.
Jimmy Rollins. Despite a rough game until the 9th inning, you took it too another level against Street. You looked completely over matched the entire game, but for the second night in a row, you knew you had to get on base. You worked the count a little and fouled off some tough pitches before you beat out an infield hit. Did you actually hustle on a play? OMG it’s the playoffs, way to go.
Remember this guy?
Brad Lidge. Let the love fest continue. Scott Eyre did the heavy lifting, but you flashed back to 2008 and cock slapped Tulowitzki to end the game. Slider, Slider, Slider, Slider, Slider.
Who and what pissed me off: Pedro Feliz… is a piece of shit. Your approach to hitting resembles that of a drunken, middle aged softball player, and you make me sick. If your teammates didn’t win this one I would of sent a package loaded with C4 to your locker in Philadelphia. You had some huge hits in last year’s postseason, so you better get your fucking act together. Take the cue from Utley and work a fucking count.
Can somebody explain to me: why this team plays with such heart and intensity? I would say that the lack of an interference call on Dexter Fowler is about the same magnitude of the lack of a call on Utley’s play in game three. The difference here is that the Phillies still win. Shane Victorino missed third base on the biggest play of his life, and had the foresight to scramble back and tag it before Utley could run through him – paging Ryan Church? This team has “it”, and it is fucking awesome to watch.
Now what: The Phillies will head to Los Angeles to start the NLCS rematch against the Dodgers. The Dodgers are a very different team from last year, and they have home field advantage this time around – I expect this to go at least six games. Cole Hamels will look to build on his complete game shutout he threw earlier in the year, and erase his poor outing against the Rockies. In the words of the great Harry Kalas, ” Manny my fanny.”
Must Read: This is a slam dunk for Stark, check it out here.
It's a celebration, bitches