Posts Tagged matt stairs
Lest We Forget
Posted by Dickie Assburn in Enemies, Free Agency, General Thoughts, Playoffs and World Series on January 27th, 2010
Off-season baseball writing sucks dick. No one gives enough of a fuck to read any of it, the writers resort to talking about hypothetical signings and trades, and everyone essentially shits themselves trying to keep their job in a mostly dead market.
Well, I don’t get paid, I don’t give a fuck about ‘good journalism’, and I think hypothetical trades are stupid.
I realized today that I forgot about Ben Francisco. I also forgot about Greg Dobbs. Whenever I think about the Phillies throughout the day, I usually just think of our pitching. What I think about is pretty typical, like “why did the Phillies sign Jose Contreras?” The Phillies pitching staff is starting to look like a retirement home.
From left to right: Contreras, Moyer... and uh... I guess I exagerrated a bit
Ben Francisco went 0-for-11 during the postseason. Who does that? Honestly? I must admit that I was very surprised the Phils got as far as they did. NO ONE could hit off the bench. Francisco flat-lined, and I frequently forgot that Dobbs still played for us. Stairs was a drunken waste of a bench spot. Hopefully Gload can help us out in that department, because we really need it. When it stopped being fun to say “Ben Frann-cisss-cooo,” I decided it was time to suggest that we throw batteries at him a la J.D. Drew.
My Super Sweet 2010 Season
BTW… how is Durbin making over 2 million dollars this year? I know I wrote about this already, but come ON. He sucked!
Chase announced that he’s going to be more willing to take breaks during the season than he has been in the past. If he can do this effectively (and by that, I mean doing it to the team’s and his advantage) then I will be happy with that. Chase has a distinct history of trying to play through/hide injuries and he’s clearly a huge part of our team.
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The Yankees signed Randy Winn today, who will likely spell the end of Johnny Damon’s time with the team. I think moves like these make baseball interesting from year to year. The lost Cabrera and Damon but gained Granderson and Winn. As far as offensive production, it’s a wait-and-see game this season for the Yanks. Granderson hasn’t played on teams that are as offensively gifted as the Yankees in the past, but he’s seen production similar to Damon’s over the course of his career. The difference is that he doesn’t bat in as many runs and he hasn’t been doing that for as long. The batting average is pretty inconsistent (last year it sucked), but he does have some power in his bat. I say he could top out around 82 RBIs, but I’d probably bet on less.
Offensively, I doubt they skip a beat by losing Damon. Sure – he had a good playoffs, but I don’t think he ever made/broke a team he was on. He’s always been a ‘pretty good’ player. However, I still hate that monkey-looking motherfucker about as much as I hate Pedro Feliz. I hope he signs with some shitty ass team in the AL so I don’t have to see him too much. If he and Pedro Feliz fucked, they’d make the most monkey-looking children ever created… and we all know Pedro would deliver it.
I found this on the net... it really captures how much of a bitch Pedro is
Rollins + Stairs = Dual-Ownage of Broxton’s Soul
Posted by Dickie Assburn in Game Summaries, Playoffs and World Series on October 20th, 2009
I still feel like I’m in the twilight zone.
I feel a lot like I did after Michael Jackson died. Like, “Seriously? That really happened? That can’t happen?” The only difference? The Phillies aren’t a plastic corpse that decomposes, and they aren’t suspected of molesting any children.
BUT! They DO pound that fucking ass like no other. Matt Stairs — that shit better be BEAT red.
Jimmy, I’ve honestly come to be at peace with your pop-outs. I really did think we were doomed. But you shut me up and rocked that bitch through the fucking gap. That was the most excited I’ve gotten after a win since you-know-when.
Last night was the MAGIC all over again — that same magic that led us down Broad Street. Now we just need Comcast Cole to show up.
Cole, seriously, we need to know right now if you’re going to be a part of this. We need to know if you’re ready to kick ass like the guy who made a name for himself last year at this time by doing so. If you can show us that you’re finally ready to be Cole Hamels again, we are unbeatable.
(BTW – Did anyone see that fucking kid with the black eye and Phillies hoodie in the Dodgers dugout? Please tell me that isn’t the kid Victorino accidentally hit with the bat. Why the fuck was he in their dugout? What a little white bitch.)
On behalf of Jimmy and Matt... Jonathan Broxton: your SOUL is MINEEEE!!!
Bench to decide series? Load of CRAP.
Posted by Dickie Assburn in Enemies, General Thoughts, Media and Press, Playoffs and World Series on October 15th, 2009
A certain number of baseball analysts seem to think that the benches are going to decide the NLCS this year. I say that’s a load of complete crap.
I’m not sure when people stopped paying attention to Jim Thome, but I’m guessing it was years ago. The guy still has some pop in his bat, but he can’t make contact worth shit. This year, his batting average blew and what did having this piece of man junk do for the Dodgers last round? He gave them 2 at-bats, with no hits and a strikeout.
Orlando Hudson? 3 games, no at-bats.
Mark Loretta has had one at-bat and one RBI, which makes him the most productive Dodger… who has seen the plate once. Big fucking deal.
Juan Pierre? A big FUCKING donut. 0-for-3 last series.
The Dodgers’ bench is packed with big names — I get that. But who cares? They haven’t produced in the playoffs like the media leads you to believe.
I’m not saying the Phillies’ bench has played better, because they obviously haven’t. Greg Dobbs has continued his miserable looking season with 3 outs in 3 at bats during the playoffs, Matt Stairs hasn’t knocked any out yet, and Francisco (while he did make the most epic catch of the playoffs) hasn’t hit the ball yet either.
All I’m saying is this: the analysts need to get off their knees so the Dodgers’ bench can pull their pants up. The game is on tonight, and if they keep sucking on them this hard, they DEFINITELY won’t be able to show us anything.
Although I’m sure Jim Thome has no problem with that……
A Business Person Special Sounds Dirty
Posted by Bay Slugga in Game Previews on July 22nd, 2009
I personally am not a fan of the Business Person Special, unless of course you are referring to some type of kinky, lunch break blow job I could receive in the office parking garage. That being said, Jamie Moyer will be looking for his TENTH win this afternoon, as he faces off against Carlos Zambrano.
After a heroic walk-off homerun propelled the Phillies to their tenth straight win last night, Jayson Werth and company will be looking for more of the same against Big Z as they try to push their streak to eleven. I would not be surprised to see Gregg Dobbs start at third today, and maybe even Matt Stairs at a corner outfield position. The Phillies need to jump on this guy quick, and plate some runs early in the game to take the pressure off Moyer. As we saw last night, it can be trouble when good pitchers can settle in and cruise.
As always, Jimmy Rollins will be an important part of today’s game. Rollins has been hitting a stupid .400+ the last month, and it will bode well today if he can get on base and cause some havoc. Maybe Jimmy should have an extra Red Bull today just in case; sugar-free of course.
Who is worse, Bruntlett or Bako? It doesn’t matter because they both royally blow, but Bako will probably be starting behind the dish today. What is it that you are good at, Bako?
Sit back, relax, and enjoy your blow jobs and baseball. Do me a favor and have a beer for me if you are home watching – TPS reports aren’t nearly as fun.
I’m so fucking high right now
Posted by Bay Slugga in Ballplayer Lifestyle on July 9th, 2009
Odds are that your mom, dad, and your little sister have had their lips pressed to a bong way bigger than they would like anyone to know about. I’m so sorry to break the bad news to you, but unfortunately it’s true. Oh yea, I also heard your sister gives blow jobs behind that new Sonic that opened around the corner. I love that place.
Since I don’t have anything of relevance to blog about today, I’m going to give you the Bay Slugga two cents on who is smoking that dank ass shit in the dugout – we have exclusive visual evidence for you after the jump.
Hollywood and Bay Slugga Come to New York
Posted by Bay Slugga in Enemies, Phillies Rants on June 10th, 2009
Just some general thoughts and tidbits about tonight’s game before I head off to Bailout Field to watch my man crush mow down some Latinos.
- Cole Hamels is a big game pitcher, period. He has proven this during the ‘08 WFC run, and then reassured the fans last week with his gem in LA. Something tells me the home fans aren’t going to roll out the red carpet for our pretty boy WS MVP, so he has to be locked in from the start. I expect no less than a great performance from Cole – no excuses, play like a WFC.
- For God’s sake, please leave Jimmy in the six-hole. He has had two fine games down there and I like how he is playing. Don’t fuck with it, Charlie.
- Big Pelf ain’t that good. Hit this guy early and often. I’d like to see some Takahashi by the 5th. I predict lots of stumbling on the mound, plus at least a walk, a hit, and a balk per inning. (WHBIP! OMG a new stat!)
- Driving to Citi is going to suck. Tolls, traffic, the smell, and fake Yankee fans as far as the eye can see.
- Do you think bringing my World Series rally towel is too over the top for the Flushing locals to handle? I’m going to hang it out my back side, but only on the left side, obviously.
- Ryan Church? Seriously, Chad? Ryan Church? Fuck.
- I think they are going to brawl tonight, like honestly fight. If that is the case, I want Hamels to run in the opposite direction of the action with Raul Ibanez in hand. I would take Matt Stairs over any player on the Mets.
Ok I’m done. No pictures or any bullshit like that. I’ll save that for the post game wrap about how Hamels threw one into the dugout while Reyes was practicing his new hand shake.